This week on The Bachelor, Arie and his three favorite girlfriends head down to Peru for some llama riding and show-sanctioned intercourse. Becca’s terrible ex-boyfriend shows up on his way to tryouts for the Dillon Panthers. Arie asks why it’s called Macchu Pikachu if there are no Pokémon Go spots. Lauren declines eating rotisserie chicken because it’s too spicy.
Who will Arie unceremoniously dump immediately after spending a night alone together for the first time? How is Lauren keeping her roots touched up? Will Kendall stuff and mount an alpaca? How did Becca’s ex get hired by Stanford? What is up with all the running and jumping into arms? Seriously, is that a normal way to greet someone?
Let’s run and jump right in.
5. Terrible Ross (Last Week: Not Ranked)
Must suck a lot to fly all the way to Peru just to get rejected and then called a “fuckin’ nerd” by Arie Luyendyk Jr. Ross, Becca’s ex, rolls up right to Becca’s door looking like one of the closeted hockey players on Glee. I hate him immediately because he is wearing blue socks. Becca looks shocked but somehow not surprised to see him there. Listen. I know Ross honestly looks like kind of a snack but he exhibited some pretty scary behavior within his four minutes of airtime. He tries to push past Becca into her room without being invited in, then gives a particularly lukewarm speech about how he just haAaAAad to come see her after he found out she was on the show. Isn’t that convenient? How he clearly broke up with her (“I know what I wanted was for you to just live your life”) over a year ago and then suddenly decides he can’t live without her as soon as he learns another man wants her? This wasn’t about Becca, this was about winning. I hate Ross. It’s so obvious this has been a pattern of behavior for him - Becca seems to know exactly what he’s going to say before he says it and tells him that he thinks his life is like The Notebook, to which he literally responds “Yeah, I do.” Also, why does he have a Southern accent? He looks and sounds like an extra who wandered off the set of Friday Night Lights. Aren’t they from Minnesota? I don’t want to spend any more time on this!!! Ross is the worst and I hate even typing that because I spend so much of my time defending Ross from Friends. Phoebe is the worst Friend and that’s my official stance!!
4. Kendall (Last Week: 5)
Ken Doll gets eliminated, obviously. She was pretty much a dead man walking for the whole episode but it was still sad to see her go. Kendall tells Arie that men have historically treated her like a novelty or like a kooky accessory but never as a serious partner because she’s interested in things other than balayage and millennial pink. Arie says that he takes her completely seriously and then immediately eliminates her. NICE!
3. Arie (Last Week: 9)
I do have to bump Arie up a couple of spots for his hilarious takedown of Ross. (“When he opened the door I was like, what’s hotel management doing here?”) Otherwise, Arie is pretty much the same old silver-haired cardigan-wearing floppy-handed dude we’ve been seeing all season. He was extraordinarily nonchalant about telling multiple women that he was in love with them, which I found a little spooky. When human monogrammed hand towel Ben Higgins did it you could tell he at least felt a little bad about it. Actually, I think that situation was different because Ben was obviously going to choose Lauren from the jump. Telling Jojo he loved her was clearly the result of some producer manipulation and Ben being the human equivalent of Model Magic. Arie seems much more sincere, which makes what he’s doing feel more… insincere? I don’t think you can be in love with someone and tell someone else you love them and mean it, but what do I know. I think Arie is the kind of person who loves to be in love and being the Bachelor is his ideal situation but it’s not going to end well for whoever he chooses. It seems pretty clear that he’s not that ready to settle down, just based on how carelessly he’s handling the final two women. We’ll see!!
2. Lauren (Last Week: 6)
Watching Lauren on this show is like watching a masterclass in getting smarmy boys to chase you. Lauren tells Arie that she doesn’t know if she can do it anymore, with “it” referring to sharing her future husband with two other women. I think that’s fair but also the name of the game, Lauren! Arie is so deeply troubled by this that he tells her that he’s in love with her and her response starts with “Well.” It’s incredible. Lauren gets the best Fantasy Suite of the bunch (there’s a POOL!) and her name called first at that sorry excuse for a rose ceremony, so it’s looking like this flailing Dutchman is hers to lose.
1. Becca (Last Week: 3)
Becca has a lot of shit thrown at her in this episode - her ex shows up, she has to eat food while sitting in sand, she’s the only girl left who’s not blonde - but handles herself exceptionally well. I was so glad to see her shut down Evil Ross so swiftly and efficiently, but also sad because that only means she’s done it many, many times before. Good thing she’s moved on from a bumbling manchild who can’t commit to… Arie! Becca’s Fantasy Suite date is also inexplicably held in a literal tent. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it forever: camping is not romantic. Where did they go to the bathroom! On the plus side, at least Becca has the prettiest rose ceremony dress. Small victories.
See you next Monday!