This week on The Bachelorette, Becca flies her groupies to scenic PARK CITY, UTAH. Everyone pretends to be really fucking amped about splitting logs in half. Becca somehow acquires a lumberjack crop top. David returns from the hospital with a new nose and a vengeance like a 13-year-old preparing for her Bat Mitzvah.
Is Garrett secretly Dug from Up masquerading as as human man? How does Becca tell the difference between Blake and Connor? Should we all be making boys we go on dates with throw axes at targets? What’s the deal with liability insurance on this show?
Grab your sledgehammers and let’s get started.
DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE A RANKING: LINCOLN
Lincoln is a convicted sex offender who thinks the earth is flat.
17. JEAN BLANC (LAST WEEK: 10)
Jean Blanc might smell amazing but boy does his attitude stink. Jean Blanc! I was rooting for you! I have no idea what happened to this dude but I’m catching a whiff of producer manipulation with some top notes of quiet desperation. Jean Blanc tells Becca he’s falling in love with her, which is insane. It’s insane! I HAVE to imagine that he felt he was in danger of going home and someone pushed him to be more open with his feelings. It just came so far out of left field! (I’ve NEVER understood that expression even though I, surprise, played softball for many many years of my life. What is “left field???”) Becca, natch, is like “that’s an insane thing to say! Can I walk you out?” JB tries to negotiate with her and it… does not go well. When someone asks to walk you out on this show, it is not a suggestion. Jean Blanc THEN pulls an Arie and is like “wait sorry lol nvm I didn’t mean any of it!” It’s weird and mean and confusing. I really recommend looking at his Instagram post about his departure, featuring the hashtag “#depressed.” Incredible! He also seems to have tried to start his own signature hashtag, #justiceforjean, which I honestly love because it’s VERY Les Misérables.
16. DAVID (LAST WEEK: 18)
David… sucks…? I mean I feel bad that he fell out of a bunk bed and broke his face off but geez. All he does is whine about Jordan! Get over it! Jordan is great! And even if he wasn’t, who cares! As long as another contestant isn’t abusive or dangerous in some way (@chadjohnson @lincolnadim @joshmurray) there’s simply no reason to fixate on them so much, especially if you can’t even be funny while doing so. What’s the point! I get why David wore a chicken suit on the first night now. He was just giving an indicator as to his true character.
15. MIKE (LAST WEEK: 15)
RIP MANBUN MIKE!
14. RYAN (LAST WEEK: 16)
Here’s the thing. Most weeks, especially in the early weeks of a season, I’ll have a couple contestants where I’m like “I have no idea who this is!! Lol!!” It’s usually more the case of “I kind of know who this is but I don’t feel like wasting my energy going back through the episode to learn anything new about them.” That is not the case with Ryan. He hasn’t said a damn word on camera since the first episode, and even then it was a sentence at most. Now he’s been sent home, and I’m still scratching my head as to what it all means. Did he really just not talk very much? Really, he didn’t crack a single joke or make a single comment about another contestant or Becca? The whole time? Was everything he said so stupid or offensive that they felt compelled to edit him out completely? No no, surely this show wouldn’t scratch one guy’s offenses and keep Lincoln’s six-minute segment about how we aren’t falling off the flat earth because of “friction.” SURELY NOT! I will forever be searching for answers about this.
13. NICK (LAST WEEK: 12)
Nick wears a green tracksuit to a rose ceremony and is eliminated, which… makes sense.
12. LEO (LAST WEEK: 17)
I still think Leo is a lil jerky but he gives an incredible Jim Halpert direct-look-into-camera so he gets some bonus points this week.
11. CHRISTON (LAST WEEK: 11)
Aww, bye, Christon. Christon is SO HOT and so gracious when he’s eliminated. I hope he’s in Paradise or something. I mean I don’t because that show is garbage but clearly it’s not being cancelled anytime soon so we might as well get some of our faves on there.
10. CONNOR (LAST WEEK: 14)
I’m starting to think maybe I should give Connor another chance, since my initial judgment of him was based off of his fight with Lincoln “Convicted Sexual Assaulter” Adim in the second (?) episode. Maybe Connor knew what was up all along! It’s hard for me to give Connor a second chance, though, because I keep thinking he is Blake. Like I cannot believe they aren’t the same person. I mean they’re not quite Lindsay-Lohan-in-the-Parent-Trap levels of twin (because duh, that was the same actress playing both roles, which I definitely realized before I reached the age of like, seventeen) but I’d say it’s close to a Zack and Cody situation. Remember how unprofessional Maddie’s uniform was on that show? Her shirt was always untucked and her tie was always loose and her hair always had a million barrettes. No way would that shit fly at an upscale hotel chain. I think about that all the time, honestly.
9. CHRIS (LAST WEEK: 2)
Chris is beginning to really grind my goat. Is that the expression? Is it “get your goat?” Is that a good or bad thing? “Grind my gears” I guess is what I wanted to say? I’m gonna stick with “grind my goat” because I think it sounds funny but basically Chris is starting to annoy me.
8. JOHN (LAST WEEK: 13)
I still really believe John went to my high school. He looks like an amalgamation of every boy who’s ever lived in Palo Alto and I’m not just saying that because he started Venmo. (Wait, did he start Venmo? That can’t be right. I imagine the founder of Venmo would be far too busy to be on this show. What does this guy do again?)
7. BECCA (LAST WEEK: 8)
I don’t have a lot to say about Becca in this episode except that I don’t like her darker hair color. Sorry. Also, I think she could be a little less obvious about who she’s currently feeling, but, whatever. Every time I start to get annoyed with Becca I think about this scene and am instantly reminded that she can do WHATEVER SHE FUCKING WANTS!!!!!
6. JASON (LAST WEEK: 5)
I think??? Jason??? Is??? So hot??? Like he’s not really my type but he’s so cute and seems like he’s a dynamite kisser? I know you can’t really tell if someone is a good kisser by watching them kiss someone else on TV but… can you??
5. JORDAN (LAST WEEK: 1)
Guys like, I still love Jordan, and I also don’t feel like I’m not supposed to? All he’s doing is adding entertainment value and exposing David as a whiny little chicken. He and Becca have zero chemistry, obviously. They haven’t even kissed. There seems to be a clear mutual disinterest, which I have to imagine is refreshing for Becca who, of the most part, has no way of knowing if these other chumps are completely faking their interest in her. At least Jordan isn’t faking anything! They seem to be developing a lovely little friendship. Becca gifts him a pair of gold lamé underpants, which I don’t fully understand, but somehow it’s just right. Anyone who’s seen this show can see Jordan’s inevitable two-on-one with David coming from a mile away but I hope he sticks around for just a little longer.
4. BLAKE (LAST WEEK: 6)
Blake is such a little sweetie. He is just smitten with Becca. You know, like the way Becca is smitten with Garrett. Well, that’s not really fair, I think she likes Blake quite a lot too. Blake and Becca talk about what they want to name their children, which I find very sweet because I’m the kind of person who has a detailed Google doc of potential baby names stored on my phone for discussion at a moment’s notice. I find it less sweet that Becca wants to name her daughter “Stevie,” but whatever. Could be worse.
3. COLTON (LAST WEEK: 4)
Colton could sacrifice a small corgi puppy to Satan in front of Becca’s very eyes and she’d still want to bang him, I think.
2. WILLS (LAST WEEK: 7)
I think Wills is truly great. I initially thought he wouldn’t make it far but I’ve totally changed my mind. He is so sweet to Becca and seems really funny and gracious around the other guys. He also wears a sweatshirt that says “WILLS” on the front all the time and I find that endearing! Wills gets a one-on-one and he spends most of it cuddling and comforting Becca about her Jean deBlancle. (A Jean Blanc Debacle! I wasn’t sure if that one would land so I am handily explaining the joke for you.) I hope he makes it really far because he seems completely harmless and frankly that’s the best we can hope for from these dudes.
1. GARRETT (LAST WEEK: 9)
Garrett’s got this in the bag, right? As soon as Becca said the words “Garrett reminds me so much of my dad,” I could practically hear Neil Lane start polishing the ring. I count myself exceptionally lucky to still have both of my parents, but I can only imagine that, for Becca, meeting someone who reminds her of her beloved, recently deceased father feels huge and significant. It’s not surprising at all to me that she’s latched onto him so quickly. It IS surprising to me just how obvious she’s being about it! Becca literally tackles Garrett as soon as she sees him and can’t stop gushing about how he makes her feel. She takes it in fucking STRIDE when Garrett casually drops that he was divorced (A direct quote: “One thing led to another, and then we got divorced”) and takes the opportunity to praise him for getting through something so terrible rather than asking a single follow-up question (other than, of his ex-wife: “So what did she do?”). Girl! Garrett seems nice enough but I can’t say I see a lot of depth from him. (Another glorious quote: Becca opens up to him about her childhood memories with her father and he responds “I love walking on snow.”) Garrett!!! Whatever. Knowing that Becca sees her father in Garrett makes it really hard for me to criticize him and/or their connection. I just hope he’s ACTUALLY like her father (from what we’ve heard: a loving husband and wonderful father) and not just a random dopey dude who happens to like hunting and fishing. I find the whole “every girl marries her father” concept a little ~barf~ but like, would I like to find a partner who’s smart and supportive like my own dad? Sure! Am I going to marry the first guy I meet who thinks pizza sauce is spicy and saves his dog’s hair in a bag after every haircut? Surely not!
See you next Monday!