This week on The Bachelor, Colton’s team of undergraduate blondes swab the deck with the remains of their dignity. There’s a straight-to-DVD Miss Congeniality sequel with no Sandra Bullock that nobody asked for. Colton tries to prove that he’s a real boy by constantly taking his shirt off. Demi reveals that she is actually a small mischievous fairy masquerading as a human adult.
Will Drew Barrymore wannabe Heather ever be kissed? What is going on with Courtney’s dog? Will Tracy get arrested for impersonating a police officer? Will I ever figure out how to make a pirate joke that ties together Colton’s virginity and the word “booty” that is genuinely funny without being crass and overplayed?
Take off your shirt and let’s get cracking.
20. TRACY (LAST WEEK: 27)
Why does Tracy make me so… itchy? I really, really don’t like her. And it doesn’t seem like anyone does! Also, look at her gross and very ironic tweets! Why does Colton keep on keeping her around? She is so screechy and bad.
19. HANNAH B. (LAST WEEK: 6)
I’m already exhausted by this Miss Manipulation bullshit and I haven’t even started typing about it yet. Okay. So. From what I’ve deduced from this show and many hours of internet sleuthing, Hannah B. and Caelynn used to be friends and they’re not anymore. Like, I really think that’s it. Caelynn placed at Miss USA and Hannah didn’t and I guess that’s a friendship-ending thing for some people, I really don’t know, but now they’re competing for the same guy and things are not going well. They’re especially not going well for Hannah, who lacks the tact and, frankly, the intelligence to be the kind of master manipulator needed to come out on top in a situation like this. She whines about Caelynn to Colton, which is dumb because Colton obviously likes Caelynn more. She whines about Caelynn to everyone who will listen and then cries when Caelynn whines about her right back. Woof. Hannah says that Caelynn is #toxic and #manipulative and #deceitful and a bunch of other words she just learned. I mean, maybe she’s right. I really don’t think it matters. They both come across so poorly. But Hannah ranks lower this week because she’s so completely lacking in self-awareness, and also because the perfect symmetry of her face freaks me out. Roll Tide!
18. CAITLIN (LAST WEEK: 30)
Caitlin gets sent home early because Colton feels like she’s not opening up, which is… insane. It’s the third week! In production time, they’ve been shooting for less than a week at this point! This is Caitlin’s second conversation with Colton, if that! She says that she can’t think of any major life events that she needs to share with Colton which, yes, could mean that she’s lived a beautiful, bumpless, FaceTuned life up to this point, but who cares! Not everyone faces adversity and trauma in their lives, and you know what, God bless ‘em! It could also mean that she simply isn’t ready to share the nitty gritty details of her personal life with the Boss Baby on national television. Either way, Colton sends her home. Normally when someone gets sent home early in the first few weeks, it’s for a Big Dramatic Reason. Like, why couldn’t he have just waited until the rose ceremony if he wasn’t feeling it? I can’t think about this any more. Moving on.
17. COURTNEY (LAST WEEK: 23)
Courtney doesn’t really do a lot except occasionally pop her head in and say things like “It’s just really high highs… and really low lows” without a hint of irony. Sometimes she fights with Demi.
16. NINA (LAST WEEK: 10)
Nina gets sent home, which is sad because I wanted to learn some more Croatian words.
15. CATHERINE (LAST WEEK: 29)
Catherine, who I’ve recently learned also goes by “DJ Agro,” is interestingly the twin sister of Alexandra from Cycle 20 of America’s Next Top Model! There’s some NICHE reality TV trivia for ya! Catherine gets eliminated and Colton goes “Say hi to [your dog] Lucy for me!” WHO HAS BEEN TAKING CARE OF THIS DOG??
14. BRI (LAST WEEK: 1)
G’DYE, BRI! I will say that, aside from her truly entertaining entrance, Bri has been mostly useless.
13. KATIE (LAST WEEK: 26)
Katie is very pretty but what has she been up to?
12. KIRPA (LAST WEEK: 13)
Why aren’t we spending more time on Kirpa? She seems cool but also is maybe lightly depressed? Every time the camera catches her she looks so profoundly sad.
11. HEATHER (LAST WEEK: 14)
Heather doesn’t do much except provide an excellent, wide-eyed sounding board for Hannah B. Heather is exactly the kind of person you want listening to you as you seethe about your former pageant rival. She just raises her eyebrows and nods her head and goes “she’s crazy” every time there’s a pause. Frankly, we could all use someone like Heather.
10. SYDNEY (LAST WEEK: 8)
Sydney seems cool, I think. She does very well in the weird athletic tournament that I’d forgotten about until just now.
9. TAYSHIA (LAST WEEK: 9)
I feel similarly about Tayshia.
8. CAELYNN (LAST WEEK: 17)
Oh man. Here we go again! Caelynn explains to Colton that it is actually Hannah whom is #toxic, #manipulative and #deceitful, and that Hannah has basically always been jealous of Hannah and that Caelynn’s success is a “trigger” for Hannah. Woof. Claiming that your success is a trigger for someone else is… a lot. Caelynn comes off somewhat better than Hannah but after some significant Instagram pageant world research I actually think it’s an editing thing and that both girls are brats. Caelynn apparently has a reputation for being a mean girl and doing shit like this. That’s not to say that I’m “Team Hannah B” or whatever. There are no teams. We’re all losers here.
7. HANNAH G. (LAST WEEK: 11)
Hannah Lou Who doesn’t get a date this week, which in Bachelor world means that she is either A. a frontrunner whom Colton doesn’t need to spend extra time with or B. about to get eliminated. She doesn’t get eliminated.
6. COLTON (LAST WEEK: NOT RANKED)
Oh no. Do I… like Colton now? Is he actually coming across well or were my expectations for him so deep below the ocean’s trenches that any non-egregious behavior of his suddenly seems charmingly passable? I still don’t think Colton is old enough or emotionally sound enough to get married, but he’s doing a pretty good job of playing the part. If you close your eyes his voice sounds exactly like human white noise machine Ben Higgins. He comes across as sweet and approachable and a little bit dumb. That’s not the worst thing in the world, frankly.
5. ONYEKA (LAST WEEK: 16)
Onyeka wins the weird athletic tournament, which, congrats? Onyeka has a really lovely energy. I just don’t know if I’ve ever seen her actually talking to Colton.
4. NICOLE (LAST WEEK: 24)
I kind of spaced out when Nicole was talking to Colton but she got the group date rose so I guess it went well! Nicolton!
3. CASSIE (LAST WEEK: 4)
I don’t remember a single thing Cassie did or said in this episode but I do remember feeling like Colton liked her a lot. I think they made out against a window? Maybe? Cassie also gets so many cutaway shots that it’s making me think they’re trying to get us to remember her. For someone who contributed very little to the episode’s plot, she got a ton of face time, which puts her toward the top this week.
2. DEMI (LAST WEEK: 28)
I think Demi is fantastic. Sorry. She is very, very good at being on this show. The other girls have a problem with her because - and I’m just speculating here - she’s overly confident and looks like a sexy Madame Alexander doll, and her behavior with Colton appears to be textbook I’m-just-here-for-the-Paradise-storyline villainy. But every time someone confronts her about her “problems,” Demi does not engage! She is not here to fight! She answers every accusation with “Yep, totally see how you feel that way, sorry” and then sometimes follows up with a compliment. You can see the other girls get knocked off their feet every time. It’s like when you’re holding a conversation with someone and you hand them a random object and then they get this insanely confused look because they don’t know where they got it. Try it sometime! They’ll take it! It’s my favorite psychological gag! People have been swift with the comparisons to Corinne from Nick’s season but I don’t think they’re that similar beyond both being gutsy blondes. Demi actually seems likable in a way that I never found Corinne. I also deeply enjoy Demi’s Twitter presence!
1. ELYSE (LAST WEEK: 21)
Oh man, I really like Elyse. I think she’s too good (or even just too mature) for Colton and that she kind of knows it but that she’s also enjoying getting the chance to make out with a guy who looks like an overgrown High School Musical character. Colton takes Elyse on a one-on-one (which: good for you, Colton! Thank you for not only giving the time of day to the college seniors!) to a theme park where they play with a bunch of kids all day. It’s very cute but not necessarily… romantic? I work with kids for a living and I’m obsessed with my job but I would never in a million years try to seduce a guy with children. It’s sweet and fun but I wouldn’t feel comfortable, like, kissing someone in front of a bunch of five-year-olds. There’s also definitely something to unpack about Colton taking the oldest (? perhaps second-oldest) contestant on the “mom and dad” date. In fairness, can you imagine Hannah B. on a date like this? Anyway, Elyse handles herself very well and then graduates to some grown-up time eating prop food with Colton. Colton asks her what’s happened in her life to make her the person she is today, which is a not-super-subtle way of asking someone what their trauma is. I think Colton is one of those people who thinks that the worst thing that could have happened to anyone he’ll ask is that like, their parents divorced amicably when they were eight. Instead, Elyse reveals that her sister developed a cancerous tumor while pregnant and died in the process of trying to save the baby (who lived, thankfully). I was kind of in awe listening to Elyse talk about her experience. Losing a sibling is the kind of horror I don’t even let myself imagine in my most secret mind, but Elyse is able to convey the story with a lot of respect (she doesn’t use any names or reveal the baby’s gender, likely to maintain some privacy for her family) and grace. Colton is dazzled by her and so am I, but mostly I’m upset that she had to talk about this on a reality show in the first place. Team Elyse!
See you next Monday!