Well, friends, we’ve made it. Hannah B., whom everyone is still calling Hannah B. despite the fact that she is ostensibly the only Hannah appearing on this season, is back and she is ready to make out with a bunch of dudes who think Roxane Gay is just the name of a bar they would never go to. The driveway has been lubed up and the Bachelorette’s sparkly column gown has been carefully selected from the bottom of a bag full of sequins. Off in a sauna somewhere, Chris Harrison is wondering when he became a father figure instead of a peer to these recent college grads.
Speaking of which, I’d like to make a personal announcement, which is that for the first time in my long history of watching this damn show, I am now officially older than the lead. Hannah B. is, at 24 years old, the youngest Bachelorette in the show’s fifteen seasons, which is extremely discouraging. We’re supposed to watch someone for whom rush week is a recent memory trying to find a husband? We’re encouraging this? I know people get married young. I know. It’s fine. But to make a whole show about someone who doesn’t have to put Scotch tape on their brow to keep it from furrowing when they’re home alone and acting like this is her grand final chance to find love? I’m toast. Call in the cryptkeeper; buy me some flesh-colored pantyhose and a box of Nice n’ Easy to touch up my grays. (I recently turned 25.)
Let’s dive right in. We are certainly not getting any younger.
30. CONNOR S.
Connor S. jUmPs tHe FeNcE for Hannah and I am sent into a spiral of blind rage. I do not want to talk about C*lton Und*rwood anymore! It is such a relief not to have to see that simp on my screen every Monday night. Stop making me think about his dumb face. That boy is a child who thinks women should throw their underwear away after their periods and - and I am absolutely certain of this - thinks vaginas just naturally come pre-waxed. People have been asking me if I’m excited for Hannah’s season and how could I not be?? Nearly anyone on this earth would be better to watch compete for love than C*lton. Also, for God’s sakes, that boy jumped the fence to get away from the cameras because his feelings were hurt! He wasn’t TRYING TO FIND CASSIE! It wasn’t romantic! I don’t blame Connor S. for this, but still. Let’s move on.
29. JOHN PAUL JONES
I hate this Taylor-Swift’s-boyfriend-looking dude. He introduces himself by saying “I’m John Paul Jones. My friends call me John Paul Jones, and you can call me… John Paul Jones.” What the fuck do you think this is, your cotillion? No one needs to know your full name, friend! John Paul Jones isn’t even a cool name! It’s three of the most common names on the planet put together in a combination that isn’t even interesting. You know what John Paul Jones is? It’s the real name of Cappie from the ABC Family hit show “GREEK.” Which you can watch on Hulu and which I highly recommend.
Joey brings a bottle of champagne in a baby carrier and says “Let’s start this damn party!” It makes even less sense in action than it does in writing.
Ryan rolls in on rollerblades and yells “Roll Tide!” THAT’S NOT WHAT ROLL TIDE MEANS, RYAN! EVEN I KNOW THAT! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ROLLERBLADES!
Grant uses my least favorite turn of phrase, “sausage party,” to explain why he’s arrived carrying my most favorite condiment, “mustard.”
Devin says he’s a virgin and then immediately laughs and goes “no, no, I’m just messing with you!” HAHAHAHAHA! VERY FUNNY JOKE!
24. CONNOR J.
Connor J. introduces himself to Hannah in French and he is… not… good at French. I mean, he’s fine, but he’s obviously not a native speaker. And then he says “Je suis Américain, mais, je parle Français!” There it is. Introducing yourself in another language on this show is fun when it says something about you, like where you were raised or the language your family speaks at home. It is not a fun introduction to reveal that you passed French III in high school. We all know how to conjugate “prendre,” mon ami.
Scott is not very cute, not very charming, and not very smart (this is, incidentally, also my Tinder bio.)
22. LUKE P.
Luke P., a man who definitely gets his eyebrows done, jumps on top of the limo and growls about how he’s the king of the jungle and he wants Hannah to be his queen. It’s profoundly unnecessary. Something interesting about Luke P. is that apparently he used to be a major player but then one day he “heard a voice” while he was in the shower and deduced that God wanted him to stop dicking down sorority girls and save it for his future wife. I find this story extremely suspect. I hear a voice in the shower, too - frequently- but it’s actually just the voice of Kacey Musgraves.
Kevin, allegedly a behavioral health specialist, gets out of the limo with a million footballs and promptly drops them all. He says “I guess I fumbled this introduction!” I guess you did, Kevin. Maybe you should get your behavioral health checked.
Cam, whom we have apparently already met and who has apparently already received a rose, comes out of the limo “freestyling” a rap that he has obviously been preparing for weeks. It is not good but it is also honestly not terrible. I blame Hamilton for making mediocre white people believe they know how to rap.
I have no idea who this is or what he said. But while I’m here, I’d like to go ahead and say that I will Venmo anyone reading this $5 if a person of color makes it to the final four on this season.
Hunter produces a necktie and says he wants to “tie the knot”???????????? Young men. It is literally fine to just tell someone your name and that it’s nice to meet them. It’s fine!
Every time Chasen appeared on the screen I yelled DON’T GO CHASEN WATERFALLS and it never became less funny. Chasen is not a name! It’s two names put together at best! Chasen is a pilot from Ann Arbor, which, let me tell you, is right up my fucking alley, but he is also very boring! Chasen is also, weirdly, the first of two pilots to appear this season. You know when you’re on a plane and there’s turbulence and you’re like “man, this is scary, but I bet the pilot knows what they’re doing and it’s fine?” What if you found out that pilot was Chasen from The Bachelorette? I’ll never fly again! The two pilots come out of the limo one right after the other, which is mean. Chasen comes out first. He is the less good pilot.
All we learn about Matteo is that he is nervous. As are we all, my friend.
15. TYLER G.
Tyler G. is part of the Nervous Man Montage and he tells Hannah that he regularly has dreams about her? Stop eating soft ripened cheeses before bed, my dude.
Thomas is an International Pro Basketball Player™ but this dazzling accomplishment is reduced to a one-second clip in the Nervous Man Montage.
Dylan wears a white tuxedo which is an extremely bold move if you are not an airport terminal piano player.
I really wish they would give all the screentime to the people who don’t resort to cheap gimmicks - partly because I don’t think we as a society should be rewarding such self-aggrandizing on national television but partly because I personally find them exhausting - but they do not. Thus, I don’t know a darn thing about Daron, all because he had the gall to introduce himself to the Bachelorette like a fucking normal person.
Joe jumps out of a box! He makes some terrible pun that I can’t even remember and I went and rewatched the clip not four seconds before writing this sentence.
Who is this?
9. MATT DONALD
OLD MATT DONALD HAD A FARM AND I’M ALREADY BORED! Matt “Matt Donald” Donald arrives on a whole tractor with a suit and a straw hat and immediately starts calling all the other men “bros” and “studs” which leads me to believe he has not one but several Reddit accounts.
Jed looks like a discount Shawn Booth, who looked like a discount Ryan Gosling. Every time I hear Jed’s name I think about Jud (poooor Jud is daaaiiidd) from Oklahoma - a character who, if we’re being honest with ourselves, really got the short end of the stick in that bizarro musical. #justiceforjudfry
7. TYLER C.
Tyler C. looks and speaks like he just got punched in the face but is pretty stoned and can’t feel it much.
Garrett is the first one out of the limo and his tie is a very 2011 shade of pink. He introduces himself as a “golf pro” which is flatly misogynistic.
Mike introduces himself with his “Five C’s” to live by which is, I’ll say it, direct plagiarism of my all-girls middle school’s branding. Our “Five C’s” were… gosh. They were something weird. Conscience, Courtesy, Character, Charity, ??? The fifth one definitely wasn’t Community, which I always thought was such a missed opportunity. (Honestly… was it Chastity?) Anyway. Mike’s Five C’s are Character, Charm, Charisma, Consistency, and Compassion. His are kind of better, even if two of them are synonyms. COURAGE!! That was the other one. (“Kurt! That’s who I was forgetting. God bless Kurt!”)
Jonathan produces a pizza, gets down on one knee, and offers Hannah a “pizza his heart.” I mean. It’s stupid, but at least she gets a snack.
Wait, how did Brian get so high up on this list? The truth is that everyone’s limo exit should rank somewhere below spot #10, but that’s not how lists work so here we are. Brian looks like every dude who went on X Factor and was forced to be in a boy band by Simon Cowell.
2. LUKE S.
Luke S. politely introduces himself (!) and tells Hannah that she has “a calming presence,” which I’ll go ahead and file under evidence for my theory that men are very simple and universally find sequins hypnotic.
Pilot Pete! I like Pilot Pete a lot, mostly because I like alliteration. Pilot Pete comes out of the limo in his pilot uniform, and I’m forced to believe that they told Pilot Chasen that he had to wear a regular suit so that Pilot Pete could be more easily identified as the Top Pilot. The Top Gun. Is that what Top Gun means? I haven’t seen Top Gun. Pilot Pete gives Hannah a set of wings, which is a very Lauren B. move. And Lauren B. won! She won human printer cartridge Ben Higgins, but still.
See you next Monday!