This week on The Bachelor, Arie takes all his hoes to Tahoe, where they have to climb over some rocks and pee into thermoses. For love! Bekah can’t go on the camping trip because she forgot to have her mom sign the permission slip. Tia teaches everyone a southern voodoo spell that turns Krystal’s eyelash extensions into spiders. Jenna eats part of a map.
Will Arie find love in Tahoe or will he just get tapeworms from drinking urine and eating literal worms? Will Ashley ever speak on this show? Can you really use a compass as a mirror? Did Kendall taxidermize any of the Laurens? When are we going to address the fact that there are no women over 30 left?
Grab your thermos and let’s get started.
16. ARIE (Last Week: 9)
Oh, Arie. No, no, no. I am so disappointed in you. Tinkerbekah reveals to Arie that she’s 22 years old (he’s 36) and his reaction is pretty good at first. He’s shocked and wary. Correct! However, he starts sort of talking himself in circles and ends up focusing on completely the wrong thing. He tries to argue that Bekah isn’t ready for marriage, which is not the point! This allows Bekah to say “Actually, I am,” and that’s the end of it. But that isn’t the problem! The problem isn’t whether Bekah, as a person/woodland sprite, is ready to get married at 22. Maybe she is, I don’t really care. (I will say that a big part of Bekah’s argument is that her mom and her sister both got married young, which is… not a good defense. My mom was 21 when she got married and when I was 21 I wasn’t even able to keep an aloe plant alive, much less a relationship. Also, my parents are now divorced.) The problem is that they are FOURTEEN YEARS APART! We don’t even know if Bekah has graduated from college yet. Arie graduated college in 2004. In 2004, Britney Spears had just married Kevin Federline, the Friends finale aired, and Bush II was reelected. For some context. Bekah, like me, was in elementary school. Arie and Bekah are on completely different planets and there is simply no way their relationship would work. Can you imagine Arie hanging out with Bekah’s friends? What would they even do? Some of them probably aren’t even old enough to go to bars! Arie ignores all of this and allows himself to be sucked into Bekaahhhhh’s lash extensions and giant hoops and is like “Ok! I guess if your sister got married at 19 then this is fine!?!” Oy gevalt.
15. MAQUEL (Last Week: 18)
Maquel gets a phone call from her mother saying that her grandfather has passed away and she has to leave the show to be with her family. I don’t even really know how to address this because I still don’t care for Maquel but family deaths are hard and I’m sympathetic! Maquel gets a pass this week! She’s in the preview for next week’s episode so I guess she comes back? Has this ever happened before on the show? Is she that important? Time will tell, I suppose.
14. JACQUELINE (Last Week: 16)
JACQUELINE WAS GOING TO DRINK HER OWN URINE? FOR ARIE? FOR ARIE LUYENDYK JR? FOR ARIE? FOR. ARIE? HER URINE? FOR ARIE? DRINK IT? URINE? ARIE?!??!1!?
13. CAROLINE (LAST WEEK: 5)
Aww, bye Caroline. I liked her a lot! Caroline and Tia had the best friendship this season and Caroline’s impressions of Krystal were dead-on. I guess Arie isn’t into beautiful, hilarious, caring, intuitive, smart women. Whatever! To each their own! Jenna is still here!
12. BRITTANY (LAST WEEK: 13)
Brittany also gets sent home, which I’ll go ahead and consider a loss because she had some genuinely hilarious one-liners this episode. She also has very nice eyes. I don’t have much else to say.
11. ASHLEY (LAST WEEK: 14)
What, what is Ashley’s deal? Week after week, she gets a rose. I have never heard her speak? Who is this chick? If one person reading this can tell me where she’s from or what her job is or whether she and Arie have ever interacted, please text me or something. I feel like I have some kind of brain disorder where I just black out whenever she’s onscreen. Is she even a real contestant on this show? Am I hallucinating her? Is this going to be like one of those things where someone reading this is like “Grace… Ashley was eliminated the first night” and THAT’S how I learn I have early-onset schizophrenia? Is it still early-onset schizophrenia if I’m 23? What’s the cutoff? Is imagining Bachelor filler contestants maybe a symptom of carbon monoxide poisoning? I live in constant fear of carbon monoxide poisoning. When I renewed my lease I had to sign a thing saying that the battery in my carbon monoxide detector was up to date but I lied because I don’t know how to check it!!! Do I need renter’s insurance?! I have to go call my dad.
10. JENNA (LAST WEEK: 15)
JENNA IS STILL HERE, AGAINST ALL ODDS. AGAINST ALL REASON. I normally like to make GIFs of the girls alone in the frame but LOOK AT JENNA IN THIS CLIP! She acts like one of those animatronic puppies that walk and bark on their own, but like, if someone accidentally got one wet and it started short-circuiting.
9. BECCA (LAST WEEK: 6)
Becca is barely in this episode but she sports some adorable French braids on the hiking date. I am especially impressed by this because the most embarrassing fact about myself (other than the fact that I still play The Sims) is that I do not know how to French braid hair. I was always on the hair and makeup team during my short but illustrious high school theatre career and every time I was asked to do a French braid I would make up an excuse and slip away. Every time! No one ever caught on! For four years! I should join the CIA.
8. KENDALL (LAST WEEK: 11)
Kendall is so strange but it’s really working for me. Taxidermy is kind of a weird passion but you can tell she’s genuinely so excited when she talks about it! She has a taxidermied duckling named Pink that she brought on the hike! I find that endearing!
7. LAUREN (LAST WEEK: 7)
I liked Lauren S. but I’m glad she’s gone so I can finally cool it with the last initials. The Artist Formerly Known As Lauren B. gets a lot of attention from Arie in this episode, which I frankly find a little confusing. Where has she been all this time? She is… so boring? Am I missing something?
6. CHELSEA (LAST WEEK: 8)
Ok fine I admit it!! I like Chelsea!! She, too, has an uncanny Krystal impression in her pocket. She also has a hysterical interaction with Marikh in which she confirms, once and for all, that she is pro-glam. In case you were wondering.
5. KRYSTAL (LAST WEEK: 2)
Krystal has got to go. She is so spooky. She keeps talking about how she’s better than all the other girls but HELLO, Krystal, here you are on The Bachelor! Even you are not too good for this thermos-pee adventure hike. Krystal reminds me of Meredith from The Parent Trap when she’s forced to go on that camping trip, although, tragically, none of the girls put a lizard on Krystal’s head or push her mattress into a lake. Krystal believes that she and Arie are soulmates and everyone else is just bullying her and she interrupts the rose ceremony to talk to Arie and everyone gets mad and oh my god I can’t even talk about this anymore!!! Krystal needs to teach me some breathing exercises just so I can deal with her existence.
4. BEKAH (LAST WEEK: 4)
For someone who talks SO much about how they don’t need Arie, Bekah gets reaaaalllll panicked when it looks like she might actually lose him. She literally wraps her arms around his neck and pleads with him like a four-year-old. It looks like she is begging her dad to let her friend sleep over. It is so disturbing. Like I said, I don’t care that Bekah is young, but she is too young for Arie and frankly, too young for me. I am so fed up with her whole schtick. Arie tells her that, since he was in high school when she was born, they might have some different interests. She talks about how she’s mature like Arie because she likes to get up early on the weekends and go to Palm Springs and rock climb with her friends. What? This literally sounds exactly like my tenth birthday party. Bekah, I can tell you right now that Arie is not going to get along with your friends. If one of my friends announced that she was dating a 37-year-old I’d call her mom, not bring him rock climbing in Palm Springs. I will say that up until this point, Bekah’s entire brand was “sexy baby who DOESN’T need a man,” so it was interesting to watch her become truly freaked when it looked like Arie was going to send her home. But like, why? Bekah is beautiful and charismatic and her whole faux-old soul persona is going to be RIGHT up someone’s ally. She will do just fine in the postgraduate dating world. She obviously does not need to be here to date someone who could, not impossibly, be her father. I'm worried that Arie not sending her home this week might mean that he never will. Stay tuned.
3. MARIKH (LAST WEEK: 10)
Am I alone in thinking Marikh is completely hilarious? Everything that comes out of her mouth is like a tiny treasure. She often makes zero sense (Gandhi didn’t drink his own pee, Marikh!) but everything she says is so funny that it doesn’t matter. There’s a fantastic bit at the end of the episode in which Marikh confronts Chelsea for “glam-shaming” her and wants to let Chelsea know that there is NO mirror on her compass! She also uses a pair of binoculars backwards at one point. I love her.
2. SEINNE (LAST WEEK: 12)
Seinne just gets better and better, honestly. I still have no idea what she’s doing on this show. She’s beautiful and intelligent and literally went to Yale. I know that no one who voluntarily goes on The Bachelor is “too good” for The Bachelor so I’m just kind of wondering what happened to get her here. Anyway, Seinne and Arie have a nice date where they go parasailing and then to dinner at an empty Hard Rock Cafe. Hmmmkay. Seinne gives a lovely speech about how she never thought she would fall in love because she witnessed her parents having a hard marriage and there were no examples of fairy tale love stories about people who looked like her. This is why representation matters, everyone! This is why we needed Princess Tiana! Girls of every color should know that they can grow up and fall in love and have wisecracking animal sidekicks! Arie is like “Dope, for sure, my brother got married in Holland so I get multiculturalism.” After dinner, Arie and Seinne go dancing at a mediocre country concert and it’s - dare I say it - kind of lovely? I always cringe at the public dancing Bachelor dates but I think this one is so nice! The singer is better than usual and there’s warm blue lighting and Seinne is in a pink dress and there’s string lanterns and Arie is twirling and dipping her and her hair is swinging all over the place. It looks like how you thought first dates were supposed to look back when you were like, eleven, before you learned that first dates actually look like being unhappily stuck at a coffee shop because you were too embarrassed to admit that you hate coffee when you were making plans but now it’s too late and the jig is up so you just end up ordering an apple juice and looking dumb. I love being single!
1. TIA (LAST WEEK: 3)
I like Tia so much more than I ever thought I would. She’s very funny. I’m extremely optimistic about her. I think if she doesn’t win then she’s our most solid contender for the next Bachelorette. I’m even willing to overlook the fact that she makes two MORE comments about Arie being a strong man who will protect her this week. Like, Tia, girl, you don’t need anyone to protect you. You certainly don’t need Arie. Look at him. Also, I am absolutely certain that Tia carries a gun in her iPhone case.
See you next Monday!