This week on The Bachelor, half of Arie’s groupies are forced to dress up in degrading costumes and fight to the death for his heart and/or the biggest Instagram platform on which to sell laxative teas. The other half are forced to dress up in degrading costumes and play with dogs in a bizarre mashup of Toddlers and Tiaras and The Westminster Dog Show. The acronym GLOB is thrown around as though it means anything at all. Krystal reveals that she keeps her skin glowy by making homemade sheet masks out of the skin and blood of her enemies. Annaliese reveals that she had a traumatic childhood experience with dogs and we are all shocked to the core.
Will Annaliese be able to wade the ruff waters of puppy love? Is Jenna trying to speak to us in code through her insane hand gestures? Is Krystal’s name Gaelic for crystal meth? Who is Jacqueline?
Settle in and let’s get started.
20. ANNALIESE (Last Week: 21)
Who let Annaliese on this show?? This girl is a walking anxiety attack. I am so glad she got sent home because she was always a Xanax away from collapsing. Get some help, girl. Get a dog, maybe. For exposure therapy.
19. Lauren S. (Last Week: 13)
Oh, Lauren S, you poor thing. Lauren S. gets a date card that says “You had me at Merlot” and immediately all the girls are like “omg — do you think it has to do with WINE?” Stay in school, ladies. Lauren S. and Arie head to a winery and have what actually looks like a very nice time. Not a TON of chemistry but it doesn’t seem boring or painful either. Alas, Lauren S. is too nervous for her own good, and ends up tensing up and totally rambling over dinner. I mean, one of two things happened here. Either Lauren S. wasn’t really rambling and it was just edited to make it look that way, or she was rambling and Arie didn’t do the gracious thing and try to help her out by interrupting and engaging in the conversation. Whatever the situation, it’s uncomfortable, and Arie sends her home. Ouch! It seemed a little harsh to me to send her home so early on, but, whatever. Arie’s call, I suppose. It was all worth it to see Arie holding the rose and walking around pensively while a live string orchestra played in the background. Incredible.
18. MAQUEL (LAST WEEK: 22)
Famed racist Maquel gets the ugliest GLOB costume. Great!
17. BIBIANA (LAST WEEK: 19)
Woof. I really felt for Bibiana in this episode. Her week was kicked off with one of those GLOW women making fun of her name, which, ugh. I get that their whole point was to be “tough” but it felt icky for the woman to go “Omg omg is that even a name?? Can your mother even spell??” about a name that clearly isn’t a traditional Anglican name. A quick Google search tells me Bibiana is Spanish for “lively.” It’s an early variant of “Vivian.” How nice! It’s not like her name is Lakynn. It’s a real name, just not a boring white person name. Anyway. Bibiana keeps getting knocked down, literally and figuratively, as the night wears on. At one point, she sets up a telescope and a daybed (I’m not sure why, but whatever) to talk to Arie on, and she doesn’t ever get to talk to him on it. Ouch! Instead, Arie makes out with basically every girl in the house except her on top of her little setup. Double ouch!! At the end of the episode, Bibiana is the only girl to be sent home. Triple ouch!!! I’d love to rank her higher because I love her but she had almost zero power for this entire episode. I’m sympathetic but ultimately, only one girl can be America’s Next Top Model. We’ll miss you, Bibi!
16. JACQUELINE (LAST WEEK: 16)
Girllllll, who the fricckkkkk is yooooou?
15. JENNA (LAST WEEK: 15)
Jenna still TERRIFIES me. She’s like a sexy robot golden retriever on coke. She spends the whole episode batting her giant lashes and straddling Arie whilst wearing sparkly prom dresses. The fact that she keeps getting roses makes me think less and less of Arie. The time to make out with prom queens on uppers is when you are seventeen and not a minute older!
14. ASHLEY (LAST WEEK: 17)
Who is this??? Seriously!
13. BRITTANY (LAST WEEK: 4)
I forgot Brittany was still here! How is she?
12. SEINNE (LAST WEEK: 7)
Was Seinne on a date this week? What has she been up to? Probably staring at her Yale degree wondering where she went wrong.
11. KENDALL (LAST WEEK: 6)
Kendall’s barely in this episode (was she on either of the dates? I don’t remember. I hope she wasn't on the dog date because... yikes) but she’s still one of my favorites. I hope she whips out more taxedermied animals next week.
10. MARIKH (LAST WEEK: 11)
Look at Marikh in this clip! Look how beautiful she looks even without a full face done! I’m not going to say she’s not wearing makeup here, because I think she definitely is, but seeing her like this made me wish she would mix up her looks more. That is NOT to say that she doesn’t look gorgeous with a full face and that is NOT to say that women shouldn’t wear heavy makeup if that’s what they prefer but dang. That is a p r e t t y girl.
9. ARIE (LAST WEEK: 8)
Arie, I don’t know about you. You seem pretty cool and nice but you also willingly touch mouths with Jenna and say things like “I like making you feel strong because it makes me feel like a man.” I’m still giving Arie the benefit of the doubt because look at his dog! His name is Bastian and he is so cute! Was Krystal’s date in Arizona an elaborate ruse to pick up Bastian? Like “I have to go home and get my dog, I guess I might as well bring along a satanic blonde.” NICE.
8. CHELSEA (LAST WEEK: 5)
Chelsea is still pretty annoying but luckily for Chelsea, Krystal is there to make her look much better. Chelsea doesn’t do anything particularly offensive in this episode but she still rubs me the wrong way. Maybe I just don't get it because I'm not A Mother™.
7. LAUREN B. (LAST WEEK: 12)
Thank GOD Lauren S. got sent home because I am so tired of calling this chick Lauren B. I don’t care if her name is technically Lauren and her last name technically starts with B, there is only one Lauren B!!! I have a working theory that discount Lauren B. will go on Bachelor in Paradise and so will human Brita filter Ben Higgins and they’ll fall in love. He’ll be like “lol, I just have a type!”
6. BECCA (LAST WEEK: 2)
Arie liiiiikes Becca. I like her too! She seems very normal so far but only time will tell.
5. CAROLINE (LAST WEEK: 10)
Caroline actually seems pretty chill and funny and I’m a little annoyed that we aren’t seeing more of her. I also found out that the woman I nanny for is friends with her so like, I’ve made it, guys! I’m two degrees of separation from The Bachelor! At last!!! Use my discount count GRACEB10 for 10% off hair gummies!!
4. BEKAH (LAST WEEK: 3)
I need Tinkerbekah to take about a million seats. She is just coming across as such a tryhard and it’s driving me nuts. Is it just me? People seem to really like her. She just seems like she’s playing a character to me, and unfortunately, that character is “The ‘Cool Girl’ described in Gone Girl as portrayed by a fanfiction version of a Zooey Deschanel character.” She acts like she is worldly and mysterious but she is 22! I am 23 and I will be the first one to say that I am not worldly. I am not mysterious. Nobody I know is. You become worldly and mysterious after your third husband is found dead in your summer house in Como. You do not become worldly and mysterious after you get your wisdom teeth removed. She's like the physical embodiment of that lyric in Rent where Mimi is like "I'm 19 but I'm old for my age - I'm just borrrn to be baaad!" Anyway, Bekah tells all the other girls that she’s really into wrestling and maybe she is, I don’t know, but I don’t like how she keeps saying “It’s an ACT! It’s a PERFORMANCE! It’s a SHOW!” as though her entire existence is not an act and a performance and a show. Arie, it turns out, has bought a front-row seat. They have insane chemistry, I will give her that. Bekah tells Arie that her longest relationship lasted for three years and that they eventually split because they were “headed in different directions.” Like… to different colleges… perhaps? I’m out.
3. TIA (LAST WEEK: 9)
I’m still kind of not sure where I stand on Tia. She’s definitely pretty and charming and funny. I think I just have this uncomfy reflex toward her because she makes me think of Raven, whom I have strong negative feelings toward. I also kind of just think that we, as a country, should stop enabling Arkansas. Anyway, Tia gets upset when the GLOW girls are mean to her, which, fine, and then is made to wear these insane pigtails and a slutty Scarlett O’Hara costume. Poor girl. Arie tries to make up for it by giving her moonshine, because he “loves a country girl.” Hmmmm.
2. KRYSTAL (LAST WEEK: 1)
Hoooo boy. Krystal is just NOT getting any better! She goes on and on about how she and Arie are totally on the same page, how they want to be together but just have to ride out the rest of the show (an aside: this divulgence of Krystal’s is edited to look like a conversation with Marikh but I think it was actually with a producer. The backgrounds don’t match up and the girls are never shown in the same shot.) She has to dress up as a cougar for the GLOB match but, hilariously, does not know how to pronounce the word “cougar.” After the “fight,” she puts on her best Very Sexy Baby whisper and asks Arie if he wants her to be more or less aggressive. He’s like “um… I think… it’s fine.” I am so amped to watch her not win. (That’s not a spoiler, I suppose she technically could win, but I just think there’s no chance in heck.) The meltdown is going to be… incredible. Either that or she’ll just keep insisting that she’s the one Arie really wanted all along, even at his live televised wedding spectacular. I hope she’s a bridesmaid!! Wait wait do you think she’ll go on Bachelor in Paradise? I’m so excited. I think she’s incredible television, even if she is is fueled by protein shakes made of orphans.
1. SUNSHINE THE DOG (LAST WEEK: NOT RANKED)
THEY SAY HER NAME IS SUNSHINE BUT SHE’S MADE! OF! DARKNESS!!!
See you next Monday!