This week on The Bachelor, Arie decides to make his harem of Instagram models fight to the death for his affection in cars that aren’t even fit for Pimp My Ride. Chelsea finally spills the beans about the hostage she has tied up in her closet haha wait sorry I meant her son. Tinkerbekah spills body glitter all over Seinne.
Why does Krystal sound like Satan runs through her veins? Does Neil Lane permanently reside in the Bachelor mansion? When did Jenny show up? How many times can I hear the word “Lauren” before it loses all meaning?
Hop into your bumper car, pull up your therapist's number and let’s get started.
22. MAQUEL (Last Week: 1)
Say it with me now: Maquel! Is! A racist! A photo surfaced (and by “surfaced” I mean she never had the inclination to delete it from her Instagram) of Maquel and some of her fellow white friends dressing up as “Mexicans” for Halloween, featuring such hashtags as “#ugly” and “#mexicans.” Not a great look, Maquel! She released a statement saying that the photo was from 5 years ago and she’s since been “enlightened.” Like, hmm, okay, maybe. I can see how being raised in a racist, sheltered community could lead a young person to believe that such activity would be acceptable, even funny. I can see how she could have learned better since then. But wait! There’s more! Check out her caption on this picture or her comment on this picture! There’s no excuse. This girl is trash and I want her to just get off my screen and go find Lee from Rachel’s season. They’d be great together.
21. ANNALIESE (Last Week: 8)
Oh, Annaliese. Annaliese is extremely Not Okay. Arie takes a group of women as large as a standard third grade class on a “date” that involves hopping into extremely unsafe-looking cars and purposely crashing into women in other unsafe-looking cars. This is a nightmare I didn’t even realize I had. It looks horrible! Annaliese cannot stop crying about it. I start to feel bad for her. Clearly, she’s been in a traumatic car accident! Or her brother was killed by someone texting and driving! Or she lost her virginity in a Chrysler Lebaron that got rear-ended! But no, Annaliese explains through her tears that she played bumper cars as a child, and that she had a “traumatic experience:” being trapped in the middle of a bunch of cars and getting continuously bumped into. That’s… that’s what bumper cars are, girl. That’s why I don’t like bumper cars! It’s okay! I have to wonder if there’s something more going on that she’s not divulging because this seems like such a strange reaction. There’s also a very over-the-top editing bit that intercuts Annaliese tearfully telling her story with footage of children playing bumper cars in slow-motion like an SVU flashback. It’s very, very funny. Sorry. It’s probably insensitive and certainly not highbrow humor but I legitimately snorted.
20. JENNY (Last Week: 21)
Oh my god. Jenny. Jenny is unreal. I thought she got sent home last episode but I must have had her confused with another pouty blonde. Jenny spends the entire episode being kind of mean and lowkey talking about how she’s better than everyone else and then, surprise, is sent home! She avoids saying goodbye to Arie and then rejects about three of his hugs. She says, verbatim, “I’m not actually sad about you. I’m sad that I have to leave… my friends.” Read: “I can’t believe you’re not giving me more of a platform to sell FlatTummyTea to impressionable teenagers.”
19. BIBIANA (Last Week: 9)
Bibiana confused me in this episode. I couldn’t really tell if she was overreacting or if everyone else was simply underreacting to avoid messing up their cheek fillers. I’m also not entirely sure what, exactly, she was reacting to. Either way, Bibiana gets a couple of extra points from me this week for doing an impression of Kreepy Krystal and telling her off for being inconsiderate and for speaking like a sexy ghost.
18. VALERIE (Last Week: 16)
Wait, I thought Valerie was eliminated on the first night! Whatever, she’s eliminated this week so at least I don’t have to spend energy talking about her hair color. Valerie exits the show wearing a dress that can only be described as “sociopathic.”
17. ASHLEY (Last Week: 13)
Who is this?
16. JACQUELINE (Last Week: 12)
Who is this?
15. JENNA (Last Week: 28)
Jenna is PEPPY AS HECK!!!!!! She scares the shit out of me.
14. LAUREN G. (Last Week: 18)
Another Lauren bites the dust.
13. LAUREN S. (Last Week: 3)
Where was Lauren S. this week? Does she look older to anyone else? Maybe not older, but more weary? I’m keeping an eye on her.
12. LAUREN B. (Last Week: 19)
Discount Lauren B. barely makes a blip on screen this week. I like to imagine a parallel universe in which she has a best friend named Discount Amanda and gets engaged to Discount Human Oven Mitt Ben Higgins, but ultimately leaves him after their spinoff entitled "Discount Ben and Lauren: Happily Whatever After" reveals the cracks in their discount relationship.
11. MARIKH (Last Week: 10)
Marikh snaps at Chelsea for talking about her son, saying that yes, Chelsea had to give up a lot to be on the show, but everyone else had to give things up too. I actually think she has a point, but the way she phrases it sounds veeeery #AllLivesMatter. It’s not a great look. At least Marikh is the reason we now know what color Arie’s underwear are (they’re black!)
10. CAROLINE (Last Week: 5)
Caroline does almost nothing in this episode except wear a DRESS AND A HALF to the rose ceremony. She looks fabulous! There are almost no wide shots of it, sorry. This GIF was the best I could do but just trust me, she looks very pretty. I know that being pretty isn’t everything but if it were, I’m just saying.
9. TIA (Last Week: 24)
When Tia came on the screen this week, one of the girls I was watching it went “Wait, is that Raven from last season?” Like, she’s not NOT Raven from last season.
8. ARIE (Last Week: Not Ranked)
Arie is really growing on me. He’s not too hot, he’s not too smooth, he’s kind of just like a nice boy along for the ride (GET IT? HE’S A RACECAR DRIVER HA HA H) who seems pretty easygoing and fun to be around. He’s doing a really good job so far of making sure all of his ombréd blondes get enough attention and no one is made to feel like the middle child of the group (I’m a middle child and I talk about it a lot. Classic middle child!) He also has very nicely groomed hands.
7. SEINNE (Last Week: 2)
SEINNE WENT TO YALE? Alright. Pack it up. She’s my favorite. I’m out.
6. KENDALL (Last Week: 7)
Kendall gives Arie a jar of pickled bats and a taxidermied seal and still gets a rose and if that’s not a testament to the power of charisma and blonde highlights then I don’t know what is.
5. CHELSEA (Last Week: 15)
Spooky witch Chelsea finally tells Arie that she has a son and he’s like “Thank god! I exclusively date single mothers and I was starting to get worried there weren’t any on this season!” Arie really likes Chelsea. It’s a little confusing to me because I don’t think she’s like, the friendliest.
4. BRITTANY (Last Week: 20)
I thought Brittany was actually Brittane and that I’d get to make more jokes about the spelling of her name, but, alas. She’s just plain old Brittany from the block. Brittany doesn’t get a lot of screen time in this episode but wears a cute strapless jumpsuit (VERY daring for a woman above a B cup but she pulls it off) and seems cool! Arie gives her a little award certificate for being the most destructive driver of the group - a characteristic everyone is looking for in a spouse and coparent.
3. BEKAH (Last Week: 4)
“I always have to have a fur on me” is an insane thing for anyone who is not an 80-year-old dowager countess to say, and yet, here’s Bekah, our resident Manic Pixiecut Dream Girl. Bekahhh doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot in this episode except make out with Arie and say things like “I shall” when offered a rose. I really can’t get a read on this girl. She’s certainly pretty and charismatic and she and Arie have a lot of chemistry but she kind of makes me feel like she is constantly playing a Zooey Deschanel character. Like, I think she is someone who thinks they live in a 1950s movie but, when asked, would say their favorite 50’s movie is My Week with Marilyn.
2. BECCA (Last Week: 6)
Oh, I LIKE Becca. She gets stuck on what would be my nightmare date (trying on a bunch of Very Sparkly Dresses and being gifted Neil Lane diamonds without any real rhyme or reason) and handles it with a lot of grace and energy. And maybe it’s the fact that men are simple creatures who think anything with sequins is beautiful (see: human airplane cheese plate Ben Higgins), but Arie seems really into Becca. He notably keeps saying that he wants to “spoil her” because she “really deserves it” and Becca keeps saying “I’m from Minnesota!!” as though that’s supposed to mean ANYTHING. Do they not have sequined dresses in Minnesota? Not one Minnesotan woman has a pair of diamond earrings? Granted, I haven’t been to Minnesota in a couple of years but last time I checked it was kind of just like, a normal state and not the post-apocalyptic wasteland Arie and Becca seem to think it is. They even have Culver’s in Minnesota! You can enter a drive-thru and emerge with a bag full of deep-fried cheese nuggets! It’s incredible! Bring Culver’s to the east coast!! The chocolate malts? Get outta here! Who was I even talking about? I gotta get lunch.
1. KRYSTAL (Last Week: 11)
I think Krystal is… broken inside. There is something seriously up with this girl. Arie takes her on a private jet to visit his parents in another state - a classic first date trope. She’s actually a pretty good sport during a date that is All About Arie. Why would she care about taking a tour of his high school?? They don’t know each other! High schools are boring! Nobody ever heads into a first date being like “Man, I hope I can see where this guy ate lunch his sophomore year.” Krystal meets Arie’s mother, who, I’ll say it, looks exactly like her. They all seem a little confused as to what she is doing there, Krystal included. Krystal and Arie get to chatting (or really, throaty whispering) and I so badly want to feel bad for her because it sounds like she had a tough time of things growing up, plus her brother is mysteriously homeless. It’s a genuinely sad story. But Krystal is still kind of weirdly catty and spends a lot of time trying to flaunt her “connection” with Arie in front of the other women. Here’s my hot take: Arie doesn’t actually seem that into her! Am I nuts? Why does she end every word with -uh? “Arieee-uh! Can I steal you for a secondddd-uh?” I guess it’s working to some extent because, as she mentions about a zillion times: she got the rose.
See you next Monday!