This week on The Bachelor, Arie and the Jets head to Tuscany, which Tia has to look up on a map. Becca tries to seduce Arie by reenacting the beginning of Les Misérables but doesn’t have the guts to steal a loaf of bread from such a nice old man. Lauren opens up about her emotional journey to getting balayage. Tia is dead-set on getting Arie to the South and keeping him there, God be willin’ and the crick don’t rise.
Who will get to introduce Arie to their parents, only to awkwardly not marry him later? Will Lauren crack the mystery of the Leaning Tower of Pisa? How old is Bekah’s dad in relation to Arie? When will someone tell Arie that wearing cardigans and drinking red wine only makes him look older and sadder? Will Krystal mysteriously emerge from the Battistero di San Giovvani?
Let me tell you a quick story about the time I studied abroad in Florence and we’ll get started.
9. Bekah (Last Week: 8)
I’ll say that I’m actually pretty impressed at how Bekaaahhh’s been flying under the radar recently, at least relatively speaking. Unfortunately, Arie’s clapping couldn’t generate enough fairy dust to sustain Tinkerbekah until hometowns. Tia tells Arie that Bekah isn’t ready for marriage and Tia tells Bekah that she told on Bekah to Arie and Bekah tells Arie that Tia told her that she told Arie that she told on Bekah and Arie just laughs. Bekah gets sent home but is able to blame it on Tia, which I find so annoying! There’s no room for self-reflection when you can just as easily blame a Southerner, which is honestly a philosophy I’ve leaned on my whole life. It’s called being a self-aware liberal elite. Anyway, Bekah gets to cry about how she was robbed and Arie was tricked without having to pause and say “Okay, maybe I was not my absolute best self in this situation.” I feel like I should be rejoicing that she’s gone but she’s someone I really wanted to see get their just desserts. Am I a sadist?
8. Seinne (Last Week: 6)
Seinne is eliminated, obviously. No way were we getting two black Bachelorettes in a row. This is Trump’s America now. You can practically see Arie’s eyes glaze over when he talks to Seinne because he knows she’s smarter than him. Listen up, ladies: you can go to Yale all you want but you will never catch a man until you start using “wow” in place of 50% of your vocabulary.
7. Arie (Last Week: 7)
I have no idea what Arie’s deal is. Usually the lead on this show comes across as boring because they’re supposed to be neutral, but you can use your memories of them on the last season to shape your opinion of them. Arie hasn’t been on this show in five goddamn years so it’s hard to get an accurate read on him. What are his hobbies? Is he a cat person or a good person? Why is he so interested in Lauren? None of those questions are answered in this episode but we do see that he has a "24601" tattoo on his forearm, which is obviously a reference to the seminal musical classic Les Misérables. Actually, knowing Arie, it is probably a reference to the not-as-iconic 2012 movie of the same name, which inexplicably featured Russell Crowe as a singing Parisian cop. No matter, either choice is attractive in my book. My ultimate life dream has always been to find a man who can sing both parts of “Confrontation” with me. Should I be dating Arie?
6. Tia (Last Week: 4)
Tia is ICE COLD in this episode. She basically decides that she deserves a hometown date, Bekah doesn’t (I don’t disagree), and she will do whatever it takes to get Arie to Arkansas. Tia takes it upon herself to clue Arie into the fact that Bekah is only 22 years old. Did you guys know this? I don’t think it’s been mentioned. Tia doesn’t think Bekah is ready for marriage because she is 22. ONCE AGAIN, this is not the problem, people. Bekah can be ready for marriage all she wants. She is simply in a different life stage than Arie and has showed demonstrable immaturity time and time again. Tell Arie about the mean things she says, Tia! Tell him that her Instagram handle is @whats_ur_sign! There are many points to hit Bekah on and Tia misses them all. I guess it works, though, because Arie sends Bekah back to her dorm and signs on for a date in Weiner, Arkansas. Yee-haw!
5. Kendall (Last Week: 1)
Queen Kendall doesn’t do a whole lot this week except be like “Hey Arie, remember when you thought I was the kooky one? Look at these bitches now!” Kendall gets a rose.
4. Jacqueline (Last Week: 2)
I’m going to give you guys some hot intel and let you know that Jacqueline didn’t actually leave because she didn’t feel strongly for Arie (I mean, I’m sure that was part of it, look at her and then look at him) but because her boss made her come back to work. I think framing her exit in that context makes much more sense than the weepy, oddly-edited makeout session they showed us. Jacqueline cements her standing as my personal hero for sitting next to Arie and saying “Can I have a sip of your wine?” and then drinking it without waiting for an answer. She’s incredible.
3. Becca (Last Week: 5)
Oh, Becca. I think my love for Old Becca must be at least partially fueled by her social media presence because she actually comes across as pretty boring on the show. Becca’s date consists of wandering around an empty town with Arie and being fed a small ciabatta and she has to pretend it’s as fun as her other one-on-one with Rachel Zoe and free Louboutins. She is a good sport. Becca gets a hometown rose which means we are going to get to meet someone named “Uncle Gary” and I am extremely optimistic about it.
2. Lauren (Last Week: 3)
Lauren has almost become a full meme at this point. She is so boring. She doesn’t even smile when she’s eating Italian pizza and playing soccer with adorable Italian children! There’s something to be said for dullness, however, because Arie is absolutely infatuated with her. He completely lights up when she’s around which is crazy to me because the thing she most nearly reminds me of is a lightbulb that’s gone out. I think playing hard to get and being blonde are both huge pulls for Arie. Over dinner, Lauren tells Arie that she’s falling in love with him with all the enthusiasm of someone explaining how to fold a fitted sheet. Arie is overcome with emotion and needs to leave the table and go stare at some trees for a minute. I had a hunch that maybe he was just gassy, but, who knows. When he gets back, he tells Lauren that he’s falling in love with her too, and then tells the cameras that he’s in love with her and can’t wait to meet her family because they could be his family. Alright. Wrap it up. Throw some extra plastic forks in the bag so you don’t have to do your dishes. We’re done. It’s Lauren. She and Arie will have an “amazing” life together, peppered with “wow”s and “I love that”s. I’m going to dye my hair blonde, change my name to Lauren B. and apply for this show once and for all. We’ve cracked the secret to winning. The secret does not lie with Charlotte; it lies with Lauren B.
1. The Bread Guy (Last Week: Not Ranked)
This was the most entertaining part of the episode to me and not just because it involved bread. Are we really supposed to believe that this sweet Italian man sells bread from a folding table with a plastic tablecloth on the street? With no one around? In what is clearly a residential area? It’s like a kid’s lemonade stand, but somehow weirder. Does he really not understand any English? If not, how did they arrange this whole staging? I love him. Love is pane.
See you next Monday!