This week on The Bachelor, Arie and his sister wives jet off to Paris, France for some soft cheese and softer smiles. Arie takes the girls to the Moulin Rouge, which everyone recognizes from the 2001 movie and not from their own knowledge of the rich history of Paris’ cabaret scene. It’s finally revealed the Jenna has been stealing all of Lauren’s uppers and that’s why they both are the way they are. Becca is forced to dress up like the sexy feather duster from Beauty and the Beast. Arie asks a producer if he can have his own wheel of brie in exchange for keeping Krystal around an extra week.
Which blonde K-named girl will triumph on the two-on-one date? Is it legal for them to keep the girls on a literal boat for days at a time? Why weren’t more jokes made about the hilarity of there being a girl named Seinne staying on the Seine?
Brush up on your high school French and allons-y.
11. Krystal (Last Week: 14)
Byeeeeuh, Krystallllluh. It was time for her to go home. If Our Lord and Savior Kendall Long couldn’t get through to her, no one will. Krystal gets sent on the two-on-one date, which, of course she does. Two-on-ones are one of my absolute favorite tropes of the Bachelor franchise (the only tattoo I would ever seriously consider getting would be “Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes,” preferably across my forehead) but I feel like they’ve been so predictable in recent seasons. I could have seen Krystal’s elimination coming from a mile away, but at least I got to see Krystal and Kendall running around in a hedge maze looking for Arie like chickens looking for a snack. Krystal puts on her best seductive toddler voice and tells Arie that she’s sorry for behaving like a toddler, it’s just who she is! Just listen to her voiceeeuh! Arie is like “Okay, well, I have to keep you on this show for the duration of this date for the ratings, so let’s make out, I guess.” Krystal is like “Oh my god, Kendall, why do you have such a problem with me,” and Kendall is like “Okay, here’s why, I’ll be super nice about it because my heart is made of honey butter.” Krystal pretends to digest everything Kendall is saying, only to later snap back with “You’re so patronizing! I don’t have a problem connecting with other people! Just ask my programmer!” I hate this use of the word “patronizing” - when someone uses it to invalidate concerns being voiced about their own shortcomings. We saw something similar with Corinne constantly calling Taylor “condescending” on Nick’s season. Kendall couldn’t have been gentler or more direct. Krystal is completely delusional. I’m glad she’s gone because I think another week of her in that house would have ended up with some kind of elaborate murder-suicide. For love!
10. Chelsea (Last Week: 1)
Aww, bye, Chelsea. I was shocked that she went home, but then again, who else would have? Jacqueline, maybe? We’re getting down to the wire with these women and I have to say, this is turning out to be a rare season where there isn’t an obvious frontrunner. I think the girls who are most interested in Arie are probably Tia, Becca, and Lauren, but the girls that Arie is the most interested in are Bekah and her American Girl doll. So it’s anyone’s game, really. I guess Chelsea’s trick of being the only blonde single mom (Arie’s ONLY type, as far as we know) wasn’t enough. What is this dude looking for? I really have no idea. I like Chelsea and I hope she and her son are like, fine.
9. Jenna (Last Week: 5)
Finally, Jenna has flown the coop. You could see it on Arie’s face when she did her little runway walk at the Moulin Rouge - he was like “Wait, she’s still here?” We were all shocked, Arie. We were all shocked.
8. Bekah (Last Week: 8)
BEFORE YOU ASK: Yes, I saw the news blip about Bekah being reported as a missing person. No, I do not have any insider information or particularly hilarious comments about it. Everyone I've ever met in my life sent me that article (sincerely, thank you) and it really made me reflect on who I am and the image I'm projecting to the world. I wouldn't say "Bachelor Obsessive" would be exactly the brand I'd choose for myself but it's too late to turn back now. Anyway - Bekaahhh is looking younger and younger as the weeks go on. I think she is getting more comfortable/lazy and easing up on her makeup, which is fine, but the fresh-faced look really emphasizes her natural baby face/the fact that she only recently became allowed to order alcohol. Bekah is really fucking amped about the Moulin Rouge, which, ugh. That movie came out when you were in kindergarten, Bekah, chill out. Bekah’s dream, unsurprisingly, has always been to wear bedazzled corsets and PERFORM! in front of a crowd so naturally she thrives on this date. She is a Theatre Kid with a capital T and a capital K. I find it very exhausting and I’m saying that as someone who was once literally the president of my high school’s thespian club. Arie gives her the group date rose and so she gets to “perform” “at the Moulin Rouge” “with Arie” and it’s so uncomfortable to watch. I feel like maybe I should give Bekah a break but I don’t want to. I hope she gets a hometown date so Arie and her dad can bond about where they were when JFK was shot.
7. Arie (Last Week: 7)
I was so unimpressed by Arie’s inability to fix his car when it broke down. Not because he’s a man (#notallmen) but because he’s a literal racecar driver. Am I being too harsh or should he totally know how to, like, jumpstart a car? I don’t know enough about cars to know what was actually wrong with it so maybe I’m being unfair. Anyway, Arie spends most of the episode being super impressed with Lauren for being silent and super intimidated by Jacqueline for being smart and making out with Bekah for winning her spelling bee so he’s not doing so well as a Bachelor, cars aside.
6. Seinne (Last Week: 9)
Seinne is a dancer, too? Get outta town.
5. Becca (Last Week: 4)
What is going on with Old Becca??? I was so sure she’d be a top contender in the early weeks but she’s been slipping steadily into the background ever since. She almost didn’t get a rose this week! What the hell! Looks like she’s getting a one-on-one next week so let’s all say a quick prayer that it goes well. Becca is the only one of these ombréd robots I’d actually hang out with in real life. She walks along the Sein(n)e and wears a jean jacket around her shoulders like a cape! I’ve never even thought of that! Is that a thing? She looked so cute. I have to get back to Paris and wear a jean jacket around my shoulders. It looks very French. I recently got my DNA tested and I am a few percents French (bonjour) so this really resonates with me.
4. Tia (Last Week: 3)
Oh, Tia. Tia is not a good dancer, a fact that she makes known over and over throughout the episode. Like, okay, we get it, girl. Not all of us can be that girl from Bras and Broomsticks. Other than that, Tia doesn’t do much this week. I’m just putting her near the top because I like her, frankly. Favoritism is okay when the stakes are as low as The Bachelor.
3. Lauren (Last Week: 12)
I’m completely stumped by Lauren. Is she a real person or just a holographic amalgamation of all the physical qualities of the average Bachelor contestant? She barely smiles but she also doesn’t really get upset either. I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and guess that maybe she’s just a little shy or uncomfortable but it makes her come across as kind of bratty. After lots of complaining about Arie going on dates with other girls, Lauren is granted her wish and given a one-on-one date. With Arie! In Paris! With no G-list country singer! What more could you want! Lauren is basically silent the entire date, responding to everything Arie says with “Wow.” Here’s a brief screenplay I wrote based on their snappy banter:
EXT. PARIS - DAY
ARIE: Look at this cool building.
ARIE: Would you look at that beautiful fountain?
ARIE: Do you see that tree? It’s French.
SMASH CUT TO - INT. RESTAURANT - UNCOMFORTABLE DINNER - NIGHT
Are they maybe made for each other? They’re both such poor conversationalists. Arie keeps saying how he’s so into Lauren because it doesn’t seem like she’s into him. Um? Okay. Why are people like this? This is a fairly common sentiment and I have to say that I’ve always felt the complete opposite way. The most attractive quality someone can have is being literally obsessed with me. I want someone to feel about me the way I have always felt about Josh Groban. Am I the weird one? Lauren doesn’t seem into Arie, that’s true. Yet she keeps getting stuck on the fact that he needs to pick her and that watching him go on a date with someone else was “literally torture.” I uh, I don't know, girl.
2. Jacqueline (Last Week: 6)
Okay, so, apparently we have all been sleeping on Jacqueline this whole time. She looks like someone who has won five Oscars already. She is stunningly beautiful and is also getting her PhD? Did we know this? I was shocked to learn that not only does she look like a Parisian movie star, she’s extremely articulate and seemingly intelligent? I did. Not. Know. Jacqueline is worried that Arie won’t give her a rose because she’s not sure if her six-year PhD schedule will align with his personal goals. What a sentence. Arie says that he didn’t pay attention to Jacqueline at first because she seemed too smart for him. What a great thing to say in front of an audience of millions of young women! The secret’s out, folks! PhDs don’t get roses! Jacqueline actually does get a rose but now I’m worried she won’t get her PhD. It doesn’t matter what Nora Ephron said; we can never have it all.
1. Kendall (Last Week: 2)
Kendall is just fantastic and I’m sorry I ever doubted her. She’s clearly being baited by Krystal and probably a bunch of producers to fight, but she won’t do it! Rather, she clearly articulates to Krystal why, exactly, everyone has such a problem with her, and how Krystal’s compulsion to cling to the negativity is only hurting her. Krystal doesn’t get it, obviously, but I was so surprised by Kendall’s grace under fire. Kendall for Bachelorette! Kendall for President! Kendall wins the two-on-one date, natch, but she’s also the real winner of the whole episode and maybe this entire season? It’s like I’ve been told by every coming-of-age movie I’ve ever seen: the weirdest girls are often the kindest girls. Kendall is weird and kind and incredibly hot and I'm not even jealous of her because I think she's so great. It's called feminism.
See you next Monday!