Well, everyone, it’s the most wonderful day of the year. The Tuesday after Memorial Day! An iconic holiday filled with hangovers and unwashed hair and a yearning to be back in Vermont. Also a day to rest and reflect on last night’s season premiere of ABC’s seminal reality classic The Bachelorette. Becca has been fitted and accessorized, the driveway has been hosed down, and Chris Harrison has been released from the Equinox steam room where he lives between seasons. Twenty-eight men have purchased pocket squares especially for the occasion. An intern has been specifically assigned the task of making sure someone says “Let’s do the damn thing!” at least three times per episode. Kaitlyn, Jojo and Rachel show up to burn incense and talk about the magic of making out with their boyfriends in front of a camera crew.
Will Becca find love or will she be heartbroken on national television for like, the sixth time? Is there some sort of deal with the network where they can only keep making this insane show if at least one person shows up in an animal suit per season? Where does one actually find an ox?
Straighten out your pocket squares and let’s do the damnsdlfkla;lskfj asdf
Picture this: you’ve just spent hours, maybe days, of bloody and brutal labor in the hospital (or, if you prefer, in a kiddie pool in your kitchen with a doula named Persephone). You are tired and sweaty and feel that everything in your body is broken but then all of a sudden the doctor (/Persephone) places a rosy-faced baby boy on your chest and before you know it all of the pain you’ve ever felt in your life has been worth it. Your happy tears wash away the remaining placenta on his face as he grabs your finger with his whole hand. The doctor (/Persephone) asks if you have a name yet, and you gaze curiously at your son’s face. You ask: “Little one, who will you be?” He could grow up to be a writer, an artist, maybe even the President (he certainly has a better chance than your daughter - LMAO!!) You could give him the name of someone you love dearly, of someone you look up to, of someone who shaped your life. You have all of the world’s great works at your disposal - the songs, the scriptures, the sonnets - to find a name that will tell the world who your precious baby will be as he learns and grows into all that God intends.
“Trent,” you sigh, exalted. “His name is Trent.”
Listen. I’m not even trying to harp on Trent as a name. It could certainly be worse. If your name is Trent, sorry, no offense intended here. But like… why? Of all the names? Of all of them. Trent. It doesn’t even sound like a name, it’s just kind of a word? Where did it come from? I googled “Trent name meaning” and the only thing that came up was “English Meaning: The name Trent is an English baby name.” There’s something about a River Trent in England but even that feels like a stretch to me. Nobody who names their child Trent is naming him after the River Trent that runs through Staffordshire. C’mon.
Anyway. Trent gets last place because he shows up in a hearse to greet a girl whose father recently passed away.
Kamil (whose occupation is “Social Media Participant” which, same) walks a few feet out of the limo and goes “Becca, come here” like she’s a small dog. She walks to him and he says relationships are about meeting halfway, which is… fine, but then she goes “Fifty-fifty, I like that” and Kamil LITERALLY GOES “Uhhh, how about sixty-forty?” and takes a few steps away from her. The hell is this? This is some bizarro pickup artist move that he must have learned on 4Chan. It’s insanely weird and Becca, natch, is like “I’m not going to walk further toward you, you spooky sociopath.” Kamil does not receive a rose.
David can u clucking not. This is so unfunny. Why do people think it is a good idea to dress up as animals on this show. Why. I don’t understand it and I never have. Also chickens are scary.
Jake has a lot of fucking nerve. Jake and Becca apparently know each other from Minneapolis - he claims they “met once at a Christmas party,” she counters that they “hung out of a bunch of other times before that, though.” Becca makes the excellent point that if he wanted to date her, he could have easily done so back in their shared hometown where it seems like they’ve crossed paths many times. I have no idea why he thought going on this show was a good idea. Cool suit though.
Wills, whose face we barely see, tells Becca that he’s “a bit of a closet nerd.” I think he does not understand what being “in the closet” means. Announcing it completely negates the closet. That’s like saying “I’m a bit of a closet lesbian” while you make out with your girlfriend at an Ariana Grande concert. Or saying “I’m a bit of a closet butcher” as you carefully french a rack of lamb.
Manbun Mike brings Becca what every girl wants most - a cardboard cutout of her ex-fiancé. He says it’s “so Arie can see her happy with other dudes.” Mike, you know this show airs nationally, right?
Connor kneels down in front of Becca and asks if she’s ready to do the damn thing (DRINK!), which, if you don’t remember, is how Becca introduced herself to Arie. It’s like… not amazing to remind someone of the day they met their ex-fiancé? Right?
I had to rewatch Grant’s arrival like four times because I kept forgetting who he was and what he said. As I’m writing this I still don’t really remember. Becca said something about his blue tie? Does anyone else remember him? Do I have Grant aphasia?
Jordan is “a model” who looks like he maybe led a 2015 Hollister campaign? Like, definitely it would have been after Hollister stopped being cool. He says almost nothing to Becca but says a LOT about how uncool it is that a lot of these dudes showed up without socks. I know we aren’t supposed to like Jordan but I have to agree. The no-socks look is not a look! It makes me worry you have smelly feet and blisters. Are these guys wearing no-show socks? What’s the deal? Jordan thinks he is Very Trendy for wearing a basic gray suit and a dated-looking teal plaid pocket square. Jordan is incorrect.
Alex’s entrance barely makes a blip; he’s just part of Jordan’s Fashion Montage Parade. He wears a flag pin which is like, a lot.
I have no idea who this is.
Darius was on After the Final Rose, apparently. He gets about two seconds of screentime.
Christon - not to be confused with Chris or Christian - has a pretty unexceptional entrance but he does later dunk a basketball OVER BECCA which I find both impressive and scary.
John is a software engineer from San Francisco which makes me strongly suspect we went to the same high school, just statistically speaking. John if you’re reading this and you went to Palo Alto High (Gunn is fine too) please get in touch with me because I have a lot of questions and this may be the only time in my life an alumni connection comes in handy.
We see Rickey for less than three seconds, just long enough to catch him saying something about “all the adjectives flowing for you.” I’m sure he meant “going” but geez.
I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: Chase looks like a Sim. I know you can’t really see it in this clip but just trust me, I play a lot of The Sims.
GROCERY JOE! I, like much of the internet, fell for Grocery Joe and I’ll admit I fell hard. Look at his swirly face! Listen to the way he pronounces “forgaaaht!” I love a Midwestern man and I love grocery stores and now I love Joe. I’ll admit I’ve had elaborate fantasies about meeting my future husband at my local Fairway (ideally, we’d both be perusing the ice cream aisle at midnight) and Joe really brought those fantasies to a new level. Joe is so blown away by Becca’s beauty that he stumbles over his words and barely says anything to her, which is a crazy coincidence because that’s exactly what happens to me in my fantasy when Joe and I reach for the same pint of Graeter’s black cherry chocolate chip. Tragically, Joe is sent home at the end of the night. I’d like to take this opportunity to announce my upcoming move to Chicago.
Ryan does NOT bring the banjo he brought to After the Final Rose, much to Becca’s chagrin. I’m okay with it. Playing the banjo is just like a more tryhard version of being the person who whips out their guitar and plays the first five measures of “Blackbird” at your high school My Fair Lady cast party.
Blake, who you might remember as the guy who showed up to After the Final Rose on a literal horse, clops in on an ox. Like, an ox. I didn’t even know you could ride those. He says that his feelings for Becca are “stronger than an ox.” It’s so absurd.
This guy has the mane of a lion and his name is Leo. You can’t make this stuff up. The only thing I really have to say about Leo is that he looks a LOT like American Idol Season 4 castoff and Rock of Ages star Constantine Maroulis, whom I think about often.
Nick kind of has two entrances: first, he shows up in a racer’s uniform suit thing (what are these called??) and takes it off and is like “LOL BECCA I’M KIDDING, I’M OBVIOUSLY NOT A RACE CAR DRIVER!” A classic switcheroo. Then he says “I’m actually a lawyer, and usually I’m good at opening statements, but uh, that’s all I got,” and disappears into the mansion without another word. It’s very strange and also super funny.
Jason leads Becca in what I can only describe as a flirty version of the Annie-Martin handshake from The Parent Trap. Fun!
I know that Clay’s whole intro package with him cooking for his grandmother was specifically designed by a sociopath with a film degree from Chapman to make me love him but it WORKED! He seems so sweet! I have this newfound love for football players not because I care about football but because I recently finished season four of Friday Night Lights (no spoilers!!). Are all football players wonderful boys who take care of their grandmas? Is Clay Matt Saracen and does that make Becca… Julie Taylor? Becca’s not Julie Taylor. This theory is falling apart before my very eyes. Give me a second to think about this.
5. JEAN BLANC
I know I made fun of Trent so you might expect me to go in on this dude but I actually think Jean Blanc is a dope-ass name because it reminds me of Jean Valjean. Jean Blanc teaches Becca how to say “Let’s do the damn thing” (DRINK!) in French (BOIRE!) and I have to say, I think his French might actually be wrong?? When trying to write the caption for this GIF I used Google Translate (no, Mom, eight years of French class did not do anything for me!) According to Google, he should be saying “Faisons la putain de chose,” which seems right, but he actually says something that sounds more like “Faisons les putains de shoes” which is… gibberish? Can someone who actually speaks French jump in here? I’m willing to concede that I’m not an expert but I did read all of the Madeline books.
Colton seems nice, I guess. He kind of looks like a child dressed up as Chris Pratt for Halloween? He looks so young? Am I crazy? Colton brings Becca these like confetti popper gun things (like a child would do) and says it’s time to “get it poppin’.” It’s cute. I wonder how long it took to clean up all that confetti off of the wet driveway.
Lincoln, another After the Final Rose pick, is from Nigeria and brings Becca cake (presumably not from Nigeria). I like Lincoln! Is it just because I’m hungry? Who knows?
Garrett shows up in a minivan, stocked with soccer balls, snacks, and a diaper bag. Listen. As someone who’s partial to minivans (my whip in high school was a 2004 Chrysler Town & Country) and regularly fantasizes about carting her kids around town to their overpriced after-school activities, I found this extremely sweet. What I found less sweet is the fact that GARRETT IS TRASH. My problem isn’t that he’s conservative - whatever, live your life, I disagree with you, but everyone has their own experiences and system of beliefs. This isn’t an issue of right versus left, it’s an issue of right versus wrong. You can believe we need stricter immigration laws, but finding humor in the idea of a soldier throwing a small child “back over the wall” is wrong. You can believe that every person has a right to arm themselves for protection, but claiming that kids who lost their classmates and friends in a school shooting are actors is wrong. People are already crawling out of the Twitter gutters to claim that they’re “just memes” and “politics aren’t important,” but I strongly disagree. Your politics are informed by what you believe, plain and simple. They’re informed by who you believe should have which rights, about who you believe deserves to be helped and who deserves to be hurt. Memes can be silly and they can be fun but these are neither, and the fact that Garrett liked so many of them gives us a pretty clear picture of his character. Also, not for nothing, I’ve seen like a billion high school productions of Our Town and I’m here to announce that teenagers are shit actors. Any kids good enough to pull off this kind of elaborate ruse would be scooped up by the CW faster than you can say “Constance Billard.” Garrett gets the first impression rose (in case you missed it, the past 3 bachelorettes have all given the FIR to their eventual final picks), so I’m curious as to how Becca will feel about his beliefs, if he ever reveals them. Becca’s Instagram reveals her to be a protest-attending, women’s-marching, Trump-flipping-off liberal, so hopefully they have a conversation about it at some point. LOL, who am I kidding, this is The Bachelorette. Raise your hand if you’ve ever seen an open discussion about politics on this show! That’s what I thought.
ANYWAY, all of this being said - this is about the limo exits themselves, which means Garrett comes out on top for now. This fucker better show up in a minivan every single week.
Chris tells Becca that he knows the way to Becca’s heart is through Uncle Gary (?), so he brings her a full gospel choir because Uncle Gary is… a pastor? A singer? A choir robe enthusiast? I don’t remember, but either way, this is actually a pretty fun idea. I give Becca a lot of kudos for dancing alone alongside the choir after Chris ABANDONED her to go inside and the choir KEPT SINGING for several minutes. My worst nightmare. Well done, Chris and Becca and choir!
See you next Monday!