This week on The Bachelorette, Becca and her harem of low-tier Instagram models participate in a number of degrading physical competitions to win a chance at love and followers. ABC finds a cheap and entertaining way to get rid of a bunch of their old TV monitors and bottles of expired Martinelli’s. Colton begins his long con of an audition for Bachelor in Paradise.
Will everyone ever shut up about Arie on this damn show? Where can I buy one of Jordan’s blush-colored throws? Why did Becca and Lil Jon greet each other like long-lost summer camp bunkmates? When are Rachel and Bryan getting married? Who is Jason?
Grab your sledgehammers and let’s get started.
23. CONNOR (LAST WEEK: 22)
I was so bored by this plotline I don’t even want to mention Connor, but, in short: Lincoln gets a framed photo of himself and Becca to commemorate his relay race win and Connor decides to throw it into the pool. Lincoln was being a little extra but this was still super mean. Connor decides to prove to Becca that he’s not ~that kind of guy~ (the kind of guy who throws framed pictures into pools) by giving her… another framed picture to throw into the pool! Connor receives a rose for his growth.
22. ALEX (LAST WEEK: 19)
I don’t know who this is, which is fine because he gets eliminated anyway.
21. TRENT (LAST WEEK: 28)
Trent, whose name I still think sounds like “Trout,” is sent downstream for good. Sad!
20. RICKEY (LAST WEEK: 14)
Bye, Rickey! We hardly knew ye.
19. RYAN (LAST WEEK: 11)
Ryan is the banjo guy, right? Why was he only in this episode for <5 seconds? Is he incapable of speaking or doing anything if he doesn’t have a banjo in his hands? He kind of reminds me of Emily Emerald from The Jewel Princesses who always had to carry around a pan flute so she could shrink or grow herself into various sizes to solve magical crimes. Anyone?
18. MIKE (LAST WEEK: 23)
Manbun Mike: still here!
17. JASON (LAST WEEK: 7)
Why do I have NO idea who this is??
16. JOHN (LAST WEEK: 15)
John writes a romantic poem for Becca in which he rhymes “you’ll never get hurt” with “family-sized dessert.”
15. LEO (LAST WEEK: 9)
Some fun things we learned about Leo this week are that 1. He’s the only person on the pink team with a shred of dodgeball talent and 2. He was in a porno! Like a full porn. I’m not going to link it here because my grandmother reads these but it should be pretty easy to find via Google.
14. GARRETT (LAST WEEK: 2)
Our good friend Garrett the controversial meme-liker has released an apology! Which is good. I actually do think it’s pretty solid as far as apologies go - there’s no “sorry you feel that way,” no “sorry people got offended,” those kinds of cop-out phrases that turn the blame back onto the offended. However, I’d like to draw some attention to the following excerpt:
“I am not the negative labels people are associating me with. For those who do know me, I am a sincere, genuine, loving, light-hearted, open-minded and non-judgemental individual. I like to make new friends with anyone I meet and want everyone to find their happiness. I love to laugh often and enjoy seeing others do the same.”
This is where I still don’t believe that Garrett fully understands what the problem was. Here’s the thing: you don’t get to decide the “negative labels” that other people ascribe to you. If someone says your behaviors or words are racist, for example, you don’t get to be the one to say “No, I’m not racist.” It’s like someone calling you “annoying” - you can’t just go “No, I’m not” and wipe away their opinion of you. Being called a racist (or a sexist, or what have you) has to do with how you make other people feel and how your actions are perceived by others, not how you think others should feel about you. There are very, very few people on this earth who would willingly say “Yup, I’m a racist!” - but as we all know, there’s certainly many a racist out there. Also, having problematic views and being “sincere, genuine, [and] loving” are not mutually exclusive, which is where I think a lot of (white?) people get defensive. I encourage everyone to read up on the psychological phenomenon of white fragility which, in short, has to do with how white people are taught to conflate racism with morality (as in - racists are bad people, non-racists are good people) which leads to a lot of defensiveness and shutting down what could be productive conversations about race because it just turns into “I’m not a racist because I’m not a bad person” which is just not helpful. Anyway! I’m glad that Garrett apologized but the best apology is changed behavior. The best-case scenario here is that he approaches people’s concern with an open mind and takes this as an opportunity to educate and better himself. We’ll see! Garrett and Becca make out by a pool and it’s very Aquamarine.
13. NICK (LAST WEEK: 8)
Nick looks exactly like someone but who could it be? I’ve been chewing on this for two weeks now. He looks a lot like a “Rapunzel’s Prince” Barbie doll I once had but I don’t think that’s it. Is it an actor? A cartoon character? Ethan Craft from Lizzie McGuire? I’m looking forward to hearing everybody’s theories.
12. DAVID (LAST WEEK: 26)
I had NO idea who David was but it turns out he was the chicken guy! That’s insane! David! You don’t have to wear a goofy costume if you’re actually cute! I couldn’t believe Becca kept the chicken guy but now I get it. He’s a cute chicken. Like the romantic lead in Chicken Run. You know. Rocky.
11. CHRISTON (LAST WEEK: 16)
Christon is the only one who has the balls to hit Becca during dodgeball (AKA: play the game correctly), which I love.
10. CLAY (LAST WEEK: 6)
I love Clay. I loooove him. He’s like a hot muppet. I just want to give him a giant hug and hang off of his neck like a koala. I want to climb into his shirt and ride around like it’s a papoose. I love him.
9. JEAN BLANC (LAST WEEK: 5)
I can’t remember a single thing Jean Blanc did in this episode but I do remember that I said “I’d sniff him ANY day” out loud at one point so he must have done something right.
8. LINCOLN (LAST WEEK: 3)
What is there to even say about Lincoln? I don’t think that he was in the moral wrong but like, why so much crying? Is it FULLY necessary to say things like “Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold?” I don’t know. Basically, Lincoln wins the relay race (did he maybe cheat? I wasn’t super paying attention) and wins… a framed photo of him and Becca! It’s like Dave and Busters with a vaguely, vaguely romantic twist. Lincoln swans around with the $2 picture frame in front of the other boys and Connor seemingly finds him too braggadocious so he throws the frame into the pool. Lincoln cries and it’s just a lot. I’m not sure where I’ve landed on him.
7. CHRIS (LAST WEEK: 1)
Chris, AKA Chandler’s roommate Eddie from Friends, tells Becca that he wants to treat his wife like he treats his mom and sister. Which is cute, but also like, how does he treat his mom and sister? Also I think I maybe don’t want my husband to treat me like his mom? Right? Chris does seem very sweet and great, though. I like him a lot!!
6. BECCA (LAST WEEK: NOT RANKED)
I’m not gonna lie, Becca starting every sentence with “I’m not gonna lie” is beginning to wear on me even more than “Let’s do the damn thing!!!” We get it Becca! You are not gonna lie. Appreciated. I think Becca is doing quite well as a Bachelorette so far. Granted, she hasn’t really had to do much except babysit a bunch of whiny personal trainers, but she’s handled herself with a remarkable amount of composure. When confronted with Connor’s picture frame deep diving antics, she asks him “Have you ever reacted this way to something before?” which is a great question. If someone thinks stealing and destroying people’s property is a normal way to react to bad feelings, that’s something you want to know right away! She also admits that the Colton-Tia rendezvous “makes [her] feel sick” but she asks Colton for some time to process before she makes a decision, which I think is really admirable. Thinking before speaking is such an underrated quality and one that I absolutely do not possess. Also - who is dressing Becca like she’s an extra in a teen movie prom scene? Why are there SO many sequins?
5. COLTON (LAST WEEK: 4)
Wooooof. COLTON! Let’s dive right in. Based on both his actual words on the show and what I’ve learned from internet sleuthing, Colton really had the hots for Tia (Raven Lite) when she was on Arie’s season. He slid into her DM’s (I hate that phrase. I hate it. Why did I just use it? I can’t think of an alternative, really. It’s become so ubiquitous. “He direct messaged her on Instagram or Twitter” just doesn’t sound as cool.) and flew her out to see him for a weekend. They didn’t “date,” they spent a weekend together. I’m a little confused because Colton’s whole schtick is that he’s a virgin (although, while I have you here: virginity is a social construct!) so I’m not sure what exactly they were actually doing on this romantic weekend, but whatever. I guess the idea was that Tia was supposed to become the Bachelorette and Colton was going to go on her season and they were going to pretend they didn’t know each other, which is shady as heck. Tia has always seemed a little shady so this makes sense to me, I’m just not really sure what Colton’s angle is here. I know that, at the core of it, everyone on this show really just wants to be on TV, so Colton coming on the show even though Tia ended up not being the Bachelorette makes some sense, but it just seems so transparent. Becca decides to keep Colton around because she thinks he’s hot, so I guess only time will tell.
4. WILLS (LAST WEEK: 24)
Wills is very cute, if not the most loquacious of the bunch. He looks so happy after Becca kisses him it just melts my icy heart! He also gets the group date rose and wears an embroidered silk jacket. Lots to love!
3. RACHEL AND BRYAN (LAST WEEK: NOT RANKED)
I didn’t recap Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette because A. I was in the midst of a health crisis and sick all the time when it was airing and B. I don’t have the multiple PhDs necessary to even begin analyzing the white supremacy clusterfuck that made up much of her season. (Like, ABC intentionally cast someone who compared the NAACP to the KKK to compete for the heart of the first black Bachelorette. I wish I was kidding.) I’ll let it be known that I was not a Bryan fan while the season was airing, but I’m thrilled to have been proven wrong. Rachel and Bryan are extremely fucking happy together and they looked so cute emceeing the relay race. Rachel is great and I should have trusted her judgment!
2. JORDAN (LAST WEEK: 20)
Jordan spends the majority of the episode shirtless and wrapped in a pink chenille throw, which is honestly how I also spend the majority of my free time. Listen. I know Jordan is supposed to be annoying but I think he’s just fully an actor. And I find him entertaining! He’s obviously not going to win, but he does receive a rose wearing nothing but boxer briefs and loafers so it’s pretty clear he’s running this show.
1. BLAKE (LAST WEEK: 10)
I’m not here to say that anyone cast on this show isn’t attractive, because obviously they’re all professionally hot, but like, what’s going on with Blake? Something about him just looks off to me? Am I crazy? He looks a little bit like claymation? Blake gets the first one-on-one date, which seems cool until you remember that no one who’s gotten the first date has ever won this show (fun trivia!) Well, that’s not technically true. Becca had the first date on Arie’s season and she did win in the most literal sense but we all saw how that ended.
The date itself is… amazing? Lil Jon (?????) shows up and sings (? performs?) “Turn Down for What” as Becca and Blake smash things with hammers. I’d love to do this, personally. I especially love that Becca’s jumpsuit has a tasteful cinched waist with a bow detail. At the post-smashing faux-dinner date, Blake tells a pretty sad story about his last girlfriend. Apparently he thought he was going to marry her but then saw some texts pop up on her phone about how she was planning on breaking up with him. Sad! Also, Blake, “I just saw some texts pop up on her phone” is pretty thinly-veiled code for “I went through her phone.” Come on. Any snoop worth their salt has used this line. I’m saying this as someone who admittedly has a real problem with snooping through people’s phones. (My therapist says that it’s not my fault because I have anxiety-related information control issues! My therapist cuts me a lot of fucking slack.) So anyway, Blake gets a rose and gets to make out with Becca a lot so he comes out on top this week.
See you next Monday!