This week (well, last week) on The Bachelor, three women get Brazilians in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Fiancée. Colton professes to the camera that he’s gotten a handjob, so he’s not really sure where all this “virginity” talk is coming from. Cassie’s dad shows up and she can’t tell the difference between him and Colton for three minutes. Two girls tell Colton a truth and one girl tells him a lie.
Will Colton’s suite be full of fantasies or nightmares? Is he finally going to jump over this fucking fence? Why don’t we see more of Chris Harrison in his loungewear? What does the fence represent, metaphorically speaking? Are all of Cassie’s decisions being made by a tiny blonde cartoon version of herself à la Lizzie McGuire? How tall is the fence, anyway?
Get ready to jump and let’s get started.
6. CASSIE (LAST WEEK: 4)
What is there to even SAY? Justice for Kirpa, justice for Katie, justice for Tayshia, justice for all the women of color who were fucking crucified for giving us a heads up that the pretty blonde girl just like, simply wasn’t that into Colton. I want APOLOGIES! God damn! Cassie wears a very explicit “I Don’t Want to Fuck You” outfit (a turtleneck AND a cardigan) to her day date with Colton and tells him that his not getting her dad’s permission to propose is a big red flag, which makes sense because she is sixteen years old. Colton is unfazed by this because he has already chosen Cassie as his designated sex partner, Matt Randolph be damned. Cassie rolls into the overnight portion of their date looking, I’ll say it, bomb as hell, and then proceeds to break up with Colton. Kind of. She gives it the old college try, if that college had like a 90% acceptance rate. She says “I don’t know. This is so hard, I just wish that I knew. I just don’t know.” Sounds familiar. Cassie says “I don’t want to date you” in as many ways as she can without actually saying the words. She brings up the engagement aspect, her lack of feelings for him, the fact that there are two entire adult women who still think they have a chance at becoming Mrs. Underwood. Colton counters her at every turn. He offers to end the show, to ditch the other women, to take engagement off the table. None of these offers appeal to Cassie because, guess what, she doesn’t want to date him. She says “Like, I love you so much, but I’m not in love with you.” Cut to Colton’s talking head saying “Cassie says she loves me.” It’s extraordinary to watch. It’s just two messy, messy teenagers having a conversation in which neither of them is listening to what the other person is actually saying. I think Cassie’s handling of the conversation was immature and insensitive - be explicit with this kid, my God. I think the same of Colton! Maybe these rambling idiots are meant for each other after all, but we’ll never know because Cassie eventually makes Colton accept that she’s leaving by physically standing up and walking away. Before slipping into the dead of night, she chirps “Are you mad at me?” The audacity. I don’t think it’s criminal or immoral that Cassie doesn’t want to get engaged to Colton Underwood the Virgin Bachelor™. I don’t care. I do think that she wanted to leave the show without coming across poorly and losing those sweet, sweet Instagram followers, which is why she avoided being blunt with Colton. It did not work! You have to pound things into boys’ heads. There’s no other way around it. They do not like being told “no.” It’s a big problem. I don’t even know where I’m going with this. Cassie is bad, Colton is bad, this season is bad. Bring back Juan Pablo. I’m done!! Here’s Cassie before her nose job, bye.
5. TAYSHIA (LAST WEEK: 2)
Oh, poor Tayshia. I really think she liked Colton, which I personally can’t fathom but I could really see it with her. Colton and Tayshia have a date and it’s like, fine. I don’t remember what they did because I don’t think they jumped out of any planes or off any cliffs and thus I don’t care. They spend the night together and you can just tell Tayshia thinks they’re going to bone, but, alas. She seemed really deflated the next morning - I actually wonder whether Colton told her he was picking someone else when they were alone. In my dream world, Tayshia is the next Bachelorette. In the real world, the only season featuring a black lead saw a dramatic drip in ratings (I wOnDEr WhY) that I don’t think they’re keen to try again. Which is, uh, shitty and dumb. I’ll say it again: justice for Tayshia!!!!
4. COLTON (LAST WEEK: 7)
Oh baby. I felt bad for Colton during this episode, and then also I didn’t. I felt terrible for him when Cassie said that her dad came to see her - you can literally see him turn to look at the producers, whom I’m sure he believed were on his side. They fucked him over!! Elan Gale is NOT your friend, Coco! I felt less terrible for him when he failed to listen to or digest a single thing Cassie was actually saying and kept trying to convince her that her doubts and feelings were invalid (granted: Cassie was being extremely inarticulate and kind of a dick.) Colton didn’t want to hear what she was trying to say, what she tried to tell him in many different ways, and while I do fault Cassie for failing to be blunt, I also don’t believe that Colton is such a donut that he’s incapable of picking up on subtext and social cues. He chose to ignore them because he didn’t want to swallow the pill that Cassie simply isn’t that into him. It must be very, very hard to spend your whole life chasing fame and going on all these TV shows and finally winning the chance to be ~The Bachelor~ and then having to come to terms with the fact that that doesn’t actually guarantee that someone will love you. And I mean that sincerely. Colton needs so much therapy. I think it says a lot about him that his clear favorite all season long has been the one girl who fails to provide him with the validation he obviously craves. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as much as Colton thinks he loves Cassie and I was once so in love with someone that I seriously considered moving to Indiana. I believed his heartbreak and anger. I especially believed it when he TORE OFF HIS MIC AND JUMPED OVER A FUCKING FENCE! The fence jump met my expectations and then some. I thought it could never possibly live up to the hype and then it ended up being even better! It was truly incredible. I love when they go rogue.
3. CHRIS HARRISON (LAST WEEK: NOT RANKED)
Chris Harrison gets paid sixty thousand dollars an episode. Did you know that?
2. CASSIE’S DAD, MATT (LAST WEEK: 3)
Congrats on your free trip to Portugal, Matty! There’s no way this dude got from southern California to Europe within a couple of hours. This ambush was planned days if not weeks in advance. Matt shows up at Cassie’s AirBnB door and tells her that she will know who her soulmate is the second that she meets him and that anything less is just not going to cut it. This is truly terrible advice, though I do agree with his overall sentiment that Cassie isn’t even close to being ready to get engaged to Colton. I wonder if production got him a hotel room? Did he fly his family out with him? Did the Randolphs all decide to capitalize on Cassie’s heartbreak by negotiating a family vacation to Portugal on ABC’s dime? Is Matt Randolph a genius businessman? I respect his hustle.
1. HANNAH (LAST WEEK: 6)
The best way to avoid having your heart broken on national television is to never appear in the episode at all.
See you on the other side!