This week on The Bachelor, Colton travels all over the country (the South and also Southern California) to get to know the families of the women he’s hoping to fall in love and make some serious Instagram dollars with. Hannah teaches him the proper Southern etiquette of answering to people who question why you have a confederate flag printed on your mailbox. Caelynn reminds her stepdad to polish her pageant crowns so they’ll be sure to look shiny next to her engagement ring. Two people jump out of a plane, but only one of them survives.
Will Colton secure the patriarchy’s blessing to propose marriage to these recent college graduates? Does growing up north of San Luis Obispo disqualify you from being on this show? Will Hannah reveal a distinguishable personality trait? Are we all just wearing bras as shirts now?
Get a running start and let’s jump right in.
8. CAELYNN (LAST WEEK: 4)
Goodbye, Caelynn! So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, you suck! I have to admit that I’ve reached what the kids are calling “BEC levels” with Caelynn. (BEC stands for “Bitch Eating Crackers,” which is a very fun term used to denote a person whose very existence annoys you so much that even their doing something completely innocuous, such as eating crackers, fills you with rage.) Caelynn brings Colton home to Virginia in a horse-drawn carriage, and I’ll just say what everyone was thinking: does Caelynn live on a plantation? The most interesting thing we learn about Caelynn, I guess, is that she must believe she is a psychic because all she keeps saying is “I see it… I see a future with him… I can see it,” and then later, when she’s eliminated “I saw it… I don’t understand… I saw it.” Someone get her some Windex for her crystal ball because Colton is not seeing what she’s seeing. Colton sends Caelynn home without much fuss and they both pretend to be sad about it for a couple of seconds before trying to turn the attention back to themselves. Hey, did anyone else notice Caelynn saying “this is bullshit” to Cassie when Tayshia got a rose? Yeah, me neither. Caelynn, upon Chris Harrison’s instruction to “take a moment, say [her] goodbyes” says goodbye only to Cassie (!) and whispers “get engaged,” which is, I’ll say it, an absolutely WILD thing to say in this context! And also any context! Caelynn’s really giving up the fight for Colton easy, eh? You know what I didn’t think about during my last breakup? Telling another girl to get engaged to the boyfriend I was heartbroken to be losing. It, perhaps unbelievably, didn’t even cross my mind. Caelynn spends her whole limo interview trying to conjure up human tears (not terribly successfully) and giving her best Bachelorette audition (“I just… don’t know what’s next for me!!”) and all I can think about is reaching through my screen and popping her lip fillers with a pin. Bitch eating crackers.
7. COLTON (LAST WEEK: 7)
When I was in high school, a friend of mine once couldn’t remember the phrase “a wet blanket” so she kept saying “a wet bean.” Colton is really a wet bean. I don’t know how else to describe him. He’s just… he’s like that sound Chandler Bing makes as a person. Blaaarrrrrhhrrhh. He is so shockingly young despite not actually being that young. This week, Colton is here to uphold the time-honored deeply weird tradition of asking a father (all women have only one parent, after all) for their permission (love that word!) to marry his daughter by giving the exact same fucking speech to each dad. Like, verbatim. Hometown dates are always my favorite because all the contestants are very close to brainwashed and saying shit like “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him!” about a dude they have literally known for less than 48 cumulative hours, but then all of a sudden their families, who have been living in the normal world, are like “Wait, what the fuck are you talking about??? This is bananas o’clock!!” This episode did not disappoint in that area. Colton’s milquetoast requests for proposal rights were met across the board with dads being like “Are you serious? You? Really?” It’s nice to know that someone is looking out for these girls, especially because they are all 19 years old. If Colton Underwood asked to marry my daughter I don’t know what I’d do. Jump over a fence, probably.
6. HANNAH (LAST WEEK: 3)
Oh, Hannah. You sweet blonde strudel. I really don’t know anything about Hannah except that she apparently thinks she can rap. I didn’t know she was from Alabama until this episode. There were two Alabama Hannahs the whole time? Should I have known that? Why don’t they ever show her talking? She’s like a walking westernized beauty standard who seems to get along great with everyone and is apparently from the South, this show’s favorite problematic geographic region. What’s the deal? If Colton doesn’t pick her, she seems like such an easy pitch for the Bachelorette, but she’s certainly not getting the edit for it. Anyway, Colton meets Hannah’s family and it’s like, fine. I think her dad might have been the only one to give Colton his blessing, which, lol. Unbelievably, Hannah gets another rose and makes it to next week. I never would have pegged her as a “dark horse” at the beginning of this season (she seemed like a BRIGHT WHITE HORSE WITH FLASHING LIGHTS ON IT) but if she wins in the end I’ll be truly surprised. At least her family thinks it’s cute when she raps!
5. THIS BREAD LADY (LAST WEEK: NOT RANKED)
Hannah takes Colton to an etiquette class for her get-to-know-me hometown date activity, which is telling. They learn about tiny forks and balancing books on the head from this cheerful blonde woman, whose name I do not remember and whom I was disappointed didn’t turn out to be Hannah’s mother in a surprise twist. I admire this woman for her knowledge about how to daintily eat a bread roll, and for saying “Oh, bless your heart” when Colton tried to cut his roll in half with a butter knife. She also gave a very problematic speech about how Hannah’s parents were handing the “umbrella of protection” over to Colton but I loved her anyway.
4. CASSIE (LAST WEEK: 1)
Woof, girl. In case any of you had any misperceptions that Cassie might actually be mature for her age despite being all of 23, this episode should have set you right back on track. Cassie makes me feel like a crumbling elderly person even though I’m less than a year older than her. Cassie doesn’t seem to be super head-over-surfboard in love with Colton, which I actually don’t fault her for. It’s unreasonable to expect someone to develop any significant feelings in so short a time and also, it’s Colton. What I do fault Cassie for is the way she expresses herself to her family in this episode. Do you guys remember that MadTV Laguna Beach parody? She reminds me of the Kristin Cavallari character who keeps going “Jessica! Jessica!” Her whole demeanor is so whiny and childish. Also like, lol, this clip. I do, however, appreciate Cassie and her very blonde family for letting me ride the wave of nostalgia to the glory days of the Laguna Beach and Hills blondes. Remember all those shows that were literally just about people sitting around and being blonde? They were all so good. Siesta Key just isn’t the same. (Sidenote: I will talk to anyone who will listen about Siesta Key.) Now I have the MadTV version of “Come Clean” stuck in my head. WE ARE BLONDE AND RICH SO IT MUST BE TRUE! THAT BECAUSE OF THIS! WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU! So good. I really love reality TV and the truth is I always have. Anyway,
3. CASSIE’S DAD, MATT (LAST WEEK: NOT RANKED)
There were a lot of good dads this week but only one will continue on with the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model. While I give Tayshia’s dad a lot of points for giving us the iconic phrase “you can’t microwave a relationship” and gently emphasizing to Colton that a proposal is Tayshia’s to accept, not his, Matt Randolph gets a GIF and a blurb because he goes the extra step and says exactly what everyone is thinking when they watch this show. In short, Matt Randolph does not think Cassie is ready for marriage and does not think Colton should propose. He is correct! He also says the sentence “He seems like a, you know… guy” about Colton, which is exactly how I’ve been describing him from the start. Here’s a picture of Matt Randolph as a young man. Remind you of anyone? I’m just saying.
2. TAYSHIA (LAST WEEK: 5)
My favorite part about the hometown episodes is getting to play the game “What would YOU do on your Bachelor hometown episode?” For me, the answer is “do exactly what I’ve done with the last two boyfriends I brought home, which is take them to the same specific taqueria and and then make them sleep in my sister’s old room because the idea of a boy in my childhood bedroom makes me itchy.” I also like to take boys on an innocuous walk with my dog and then casually point out Steve Jobs’s house as a power move. These episodes are a fun opportunity to show off where you came from and then show off the Air BnB that production rented because your parents’ house wasn’t TV-ready. I enjoy getting to understand a little bit more about the contestants based on what they choose to highlight about the place they grew their roots. However, I have no idea where Tayshia is from or what her childhood was like because she chooses to take Colton skydiving as her hometown activity. I’m sorry, is Tayshia’s hometown THE SKY? Tayshia seems hell-bent on getting Colton back for making her jump off a bridge, which I respect, but it felt like sort of a waste. Skydiving is pretty boring to watch if you’re not the one doing it, in my opinion. It’s just like, watching GoPro footage of a field and hearing people scream. Anyway, I know we’re supposed to be on the fence (hA) about Tayshia because of her maybe-too-recent maybe-boyfriend, but I still find her to be pretty affable and graceful and Colton always seems happy when he’s with her. She seems smarter than the other three contestants combined, not that that’s much of an endorsement. However, I haven’t seen a modicum of speculation online that Tayshia has a chance at either winning Colton’s heart or becoming the Bachelorette, whereas Twitter and Instagram are lighting up about Cassie, Caelynn, and Hannahs of all varieties. It’s like Tayshia isn’t even part of the discussion even though she’s a contender by nature of being in the final four and even has a decent connection with the lead. I wonder why.
1. CAELYNN’S STEPDAD, JOHN (LAST WEEK: NOT RANKED)
I don’t mean to make fun of someone’s voice but doesn’t John sound exactly like this guy from 30 Rock? I love John. He is just like a sweet little sweetie. Caelynn tells John that even though he’s not her biological father, he’s been the best dad to her she could imagine. John tears up. I… really think this is the first time Caelynn has ever expressed those feelings to John. But it’s good that she’s expressing them now! John deserves to hear that! John also asks Caelynn why she and Colton can’t just, like, hang out instead of entering into a verbal contract to become lifelong partners. It’s a good question!
See you for THE FENCE JUMP!